Trying To Be Okay With It

Day 194

No woman wants to weigh over 200 pounds. No woman even wants to get close.

And yet, I do.

It's often frustrating and depressing, because I work so hard and I so badly want to see a "1" in the hundreds place of that number. Right now I don't even care what's in the tens or ones place. Just a 1 in the hundreds would be nice.

Unfortunately Fortunately, I chose to focus on muscle gain, not just weight loss. I knew it was going to be "the hard way," but I like to be strong and feel that is the best way for my body to be healthy. And I'm gaining muscle - quite a bit, actually, but muscle is heavier than fat per cubic inch, so, though there is fat loss, the scale descends slowly.

I had hoped that when I start my master trainer program in March I would be under 200 pounds. I just don't know if I can make myself go to labs with a bunch of gorgeous, fit 20-year-olds and weigh what I do. And it's not just the vanity aspect. I don't know if my body will be able to keep up.

Thankfully, I had a very real reminder on body composition today. In an effort to find something to wear (I need new clothes again), I tried on a skirt. This skirt is shapeless, ugly and unflattering, but it has significance. I bought this skirt 13 years ago to wear when I performed with the Desert Chorale just after my third child was born. At the time, I weighed around 212 pounds.

I weigh around 236 now.

I may weigh 20-25 pounds more than I did 13 years ago, but I am the size I was 13 years ago. More muscle means higher numbers on the scale.

I'm trying to be okay with that.

I wasn't going to do another progress picture for a couple more months, but I did one today in honor of my skirt. The progress isn't as noticeable as it was last time because it's only been a month, but it's there.

(Ugh! I need a haircut! Lol!)

I will likely be over 200 pounds for at least 6-8 more months, BUT I can bench over 100 lbs, dead lift around 200 pounds and leg press over 300 pounds.*

I think I'm okay with that.

* Numbers are approximate, because I've never maxed out on anything. That's my goal for this week.