Worthless

Day 124

I don't know where to start tonight. I have so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head. I suppose here is as good a place as any:

I know what it's like to feel worthless.

I know what it's like to feel the world would be a better place without me in it.

I know what it's like to feel that people would be happier if I weren't around.

I know what it's like to feel like if I died my husband would finally be able to find someone he deserves.

I know what it's like.

It's been four months to the day since I stepped into the gym, got myself a membership and signed up for training. At that time, feeling like I had no purpose and no worth had become the norm. Thankfully strong religious convictions and 5 beautiful kids kept me from ever becoming suicidal.

I know I've talked before about losing myself and how I started my journey back, but I still haven't truly found myself. Part of me still holds on to the idea that I need to put my goals - my life - on hold until I've reached some big, unknown turning point that says, "It's time for you," but that point has never been clear. I suppose a lot of that has to do with the fact that I never felt that my family was complete and I didn't want to start something just to have to stop yet again when another baby came along.

Even now, 8 years, multiple miscarriages and a very short stint as a foster mom since my youngest was born, I still don't feel that we're complete, but something has changed. I've learned some things. It was a rough go, but my foster mom failure and my time at the gym has taught me a few things:

1. I can do this. I can! I can stick to a healthy lifestyle and nip this obesity thing in the bud. And I'm not willing to do anything that will impede my progress because my happiness and the happiness of my family depends on it.

2. How can I help a traumatized child if I'm not whole myself? I can't! How can I help a child who likely feels abandoned, angry or alone if I feel worthless? I can't! If I am going to bring these children into my home and make a difference in theirs lives, I have got to be WHOLE.

I was SO sure that foster care was the path I was supposed to be on - and it may well still be, but for these two reasons (and several others as well) we are going to have to put it on hold. Right now it's my turn. I have got to find me and my place on this planet.

So what does this mean?

Well, right now it means that in addition to my fitness goals, I'm going back to school - hopefully this semester. I'm not quite sure the path I'll take or where it will lead, but I have some ideas and it's definitely not anywhere I thought I'd go. I'm a little nervous about it actually, but I figure that's a good sign because nerves usually foreshadow good things to come.

Once I'm well on my way to becoming who I want to be, then we'll revisit the foster care idea. I don't feel like the foster path is completely closed, but I need a stronger foundation and more confidence in who I am to do it.

So goodbye, Worthless. I don't want you in my life any longer. There is no room there for you. I've got to much to do.

It's time to see where this path I've waited for will take me...