Declaration of War

Day 133

It's been a rough couple of days. I just haven't been able to get my negative self-talk under control. The more I tried to banish my thoughts of being obese and worthless, the worse it got. All I could see when I looked in the mirror was fat.

By yesterday afternoon, I was desperate for the happy, successful feelings I was having a week previous. I couldn't go back to what I felt four months ago, so I hatched a plan. I texted my trainer and asked him if he could plan a butt-kicking training session in the hopes that I would power through it, feel strong and nip those negative thoughts in the bud.

Being the great trainer that he is, he was happy to serve my butt up on a platter. He had me doing the dragon walk, inch worms with a push up, curtsy lunges, etc. I was spent 10 minutes in and dripping sweat like a man. At one point, my quads began to cramp and I had to rest a second. He came and asked me what I wanted to do. Did I need a roller? Did I want to try something else? No. I wanted to finish and I did. It was the longest 30 minute workout I've ever had with him.

At the end, he asked me how I felt. He most likely meant physically (tired, but fine), but I answered mentally. I was frustrated. I was frustrated that I struggled with it so badly. I felt I should have done better. Instead of me seeing how far I'd come, it was a second reminder of how far I have to go - the first being the image of me in the mirror the week prior.

Thankfully, during our conversation, he said something that sunk in later this afternoon. He said he gave me outs, but I didn't take them. My automatic reply was, "That's not who I am."

That's not who I am.

I'm not a quitter. You give me a challenge, I'll finish it. I won't back down.

So, if I'm not a quitter, why on earth would I let a negative body image discourage me to the point that I want to throw in the towel? It makes no sense!

Yes. I am obese. Yes. I have a long way to go before I am a healthy weight. BUT I won't be that way forever as long as I continue to fight.

I am not a quitter. As such, I am declaring war on negative self-talk. I am going to fight off those thoughts with everything I have because I can't win this battle with those thoughts floating around in my head.

To help stave off the negative, I'm going to write something I appreciate about my body at the end of every blog for the next week. There's gotta be something good, right?

So... #1: I am strong. I can bench over 100 pounds and deadlift over 120. I'm not going to win any lifting awards any time soon, but it's not too shabby for someone just starting out.
#2: I have given birth to five beautiful children. I'm so grateful that I was able to carry them to full term, especially given the trouble I've had the last 7 years. What a blessing my kids have been.
#3: I can run. I'm slow, but I can now run 3 miles without taking a break to walk. That's 3 times what I was able to run when I started at the gym in April.