Finding Balance

Day 166

I have lived within the protective bubble of my family and my faith for the better part of two decades. Though I have often felt lost and insecure, I have felt sheltered and safe within that bubble, because within that bubble there are few opposing forces.

Now, in an effort to re-find parts of myself that have gone missing and discover my place and purpose on this planet, I have stepped outside that bubble. Make no mistake, I still maintain a connection with it's protection - a tether, if you will, but I am somewhat more exposed.

You see, most of the hours I am not with my family, being a wife and a mother, are either spent at the gym, trying to get healthy, or studying nutrition in an effort to help myself, my family and, hopefully - eventually - others. It is fair to say that fitness is becoming a major part of who I am. I enjoy it and, for the first time in years, I am excited and focused on a goal of my own. 

However, it is not ALL that I am. 

I am a wife to the best husband on earth. I am a mother to 5 beautiful, intelligent and talented children. I am a daughter of wonderful parents. I am a sister to a caring brother. I am a wannabe musician with a love of singing and a little training. I am a writer and lover of the written word. I am a loyal friend. I am a jack of many trades, but an expert in none. I am a student. I am a teacher. But first and foremost, I - just like all members of my sex - am a daughter of God with a divine heritage.

It's easy to understand why my goal to be fit could upset the delicate balance of who I am. The endorphins and elation that come from achieving each interim goal are addicting. Then there's the added benefit of being around people from all walks of life who are all working toward different levels of a similar goal. There's a camaraderie that exists, even among people who don't interact except to ask if a piece of equipment is being used. Sometimes someone reaches out to help you understand an exercise better or encourage you through a tough set and, though you may never speak to that person again, you imagine a connection. 

These things draw me in and the more I experience them, the more I want to be there and a part of that world, but, like with all good things, too much can throw off that balance and the tether that holds me to my bubble of protection could potentially snap and leave me breathless and heartbroken, because the things that are in that bubble - my family and my faith - are the most important things in my life.

So, what does all this mean? It means that now that I'm hopefully on a path to success in this goal, it's time to make new ones that will preserve that balance and make my tether more secure. I'm trying to make sure that when I'm with my family that I'm not just present, but that they are my focus. Daily scripture study and prayer comes first, because my relationship with my Father in Heaven will greatly impact who I am becoming. 

Unfortunately, lately I have felt that more is needed to find balance and keep me centered. On Friday, I felt the need to visit this sacred place and take my concerns to the Lord:

Las Vegas, Nevada LDS Temple

Though I didn't have much time to spend within these hallowed halls, the time I did have - and the words of church leaders I listened to on the car ride there -  brought some clarity. The goals I have are good, but they are egocentric. It is time for me to look beyond myself and reach out to lift the heads of those that hang down.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'm unsure of what I'm qualified to do and how to fit it in to an already busy schedule, but I do know that this is what I need to find balance in my life. Hopefully, one day the pieces of this journey will fit together and I will find my purpose.