Weakness Becoming Strength

A New Approach

2011-06-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Do you remember around a year ago when I made the goal to run 2 miles in 30 minutes or less? I was a different person then. I struggled every day to just make myself go to the gym and eating was something I could never control.

Things have changed since then. I still struggle with the eating at times, but instead of forcing myself to head to the gym every day for an hour, I enjoy going and sometimes stay up to 2 hours. Oh, and I can run 2 miles in 24 minutes flat.

Now, I know that's not a great time. There are people who can run that in half the time, but considering I was over 100 lbs overweight and I have knee injuries I have to deal with, I'm proud of my 24 minutes - so proud that I continue to push myself. Today I actually ran (2.2 miles)/walked (.9 miles) a 5k on the treadmill. My goal is now to shave off enough time to feel comfortable running an official 5k come the Santa Run at Christmas.

Really, my entire approach to exercise has changed. Instead of the work-horse exercise routine that was burning me out - running/biking and weights everyday, I've adapted a much more fun, well-rounded approach. I've started taking classes at the gym. I've added body combat, boot camp, and zumba (among other things) to my weekly routine. Essentially I'm reteaching my body to move in ways it hasn't moved in since high school - things that require coordination that I forgot I had. I still run and I still do weights. I have just added more variety. And guess what! I can shake my bootie with the best of them and have fun doing it!

So where am I today? I know I haven't done a Monday Morning Stats in a while. I've actually burned out on the whole blog thing and have turned my focus and time to other goals I would like to reach now that I'm doing better on this one. However, I will tell you that since I started this journey I have lost 37 pounds.

Also, I've been able to restart my thyroid medication, which has helped immensely. I have much more energy and I am no longer struggling to drop pounds. I really feel much better - much more alive - than I have in a long time. I still have a ways to go and it's taking me far longer than I thought it would, but I now feel confident I can reach my goal.

Monday Morning Stats - Why To Never Trust A Scale

2011-04-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

You always hear it whenever you're discouraged by the weight you are not losing. It's not really all that comforting, but everyone thinks it's the right thing to say. I've said it to friends many times, knowing that it's not really doing any good despite the truth of the statement because it doesn't really lift my spirits either.

"Don't rely on the scale. It's not a good indicator of what is actually happening," really feels like the lamest cop out reply designed only to make you feel better. Our society has programmed our minds to place the scale as our judge of health. I see it constantly - those who are fit and can't lose those extra five pounds, and probably never will because they don't realize that the muscle they have gained weighs more than the fat that they lost.

In reality, "Don't rely on the scale" should be our motto. The scale is a fickle item that shows every fluctuation in our weight and not the fat that we lost, verses the muscle we gained. It shows every ounce of water we retain, every bit of dehydration and, yes, every bit of constipation. It can go up dramatically when we're on our monthly and plummet just as much when we're sick.

This week my scale went up. I am retaining water. My wedding ring, which is two sizes too big won't come off. My feet feel like they're going to burst.

I'm having this problem more and more often - not just when I'm hormonal. I'm seeing constant fluctuations on the scale - up and down - that can only be explained away by water retention. How else could I gain/lose 7-8 pounds in a week? My diet, though not always consistent, is never different enough to warrant that.

What Happened Last Week:

* Calories - I was sick for most of the week so I didn't really count calories. I tried to remain healthy, but slipped a little over the weekend.
* Gym - Again, I was sick.
* Weight loss - I gained 7 pounds, putting me at 229.8.

This Week's Goals:

* Calories - 1700-1800 daily caloric intake with one day up to 2000 calories.
* Gym - My goal was to go every day this week, until my son came down with the stomach flu. Now my goal is to exercise in some way every day, unless, of course, I get it. Let's hope I don't.
* Weight loss - I'm hoping my water goes down. If it does, I should be able to lose at least 5 pounds.
* Water - I think another part of my water retention is not drinking enough water. Before my last weigh in, I drank a ton of water and then lost a ton of weight. Maybe there's a reason. It's worth a shot. The goal? At least 64 ounces daily.

Monday Morning Stats - The Scale, It's A-Lyin'

2011-04-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

I did weigh myself Monday. I DID! But I gotta be honest. As much as I'd like to take full credit for what I saw, the scale, it's a-lyin'.

There is no possible way that I could have lost that amount of weight - not with the week I had. I truly struggled last week. I was SO hungry all week long and I only had three of my four workouts - one of which wasn't at the gym, but swinging a pick ax and wielding a large shovel for 45 minutes. (OK, so I would have done all four, but I ended up sick instead.) 5 pounds is impossible on a GOOD week. I only lost 1 pound each of the previous weeks when I was near perfect. There's no way I really lost that much last week.

Explanation? The only explanation I can think of is water retention and constipation. Perhaps I really lost more during those two good weeks and was retaining stuff so it didn't show on the scale. Also, I didn't eat much Saturday and Sunday due to illness, so there was little inside me Monday morning. Taking all this into account, I'm sure the scale is reading higher now.

I wish it were true, though. It was a good number - my lowest yet by far.

Anyway, here's how things stand:

Last Week's Goals:
* Calories - I struggled with this. There were only a couple days that I was under my calories for the day.
* Gym - Made it to the gym twice. Swung a pick ax one day. (We're putting fruit trees and berry pushes in our backyard. YAY!)
* Weight loss - 5 pound weight loss. Weighed in at 222.8 pounds. That's a 32.7 pound loss.

This Week's Goals:

This week I've been sick. My goal is just to keep my calories down, rest and get well so that I can start back full force next week. As soon as I stop fevering with too much exertion, I will start exercising again, even if it just means working in my back yard. (Don't think that's a workout? You try digging holes in hard, rocky clay and then see what you think.)

Monday Morning Stats - SABOTAGE!

2011-04-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am SO mad at myself this morning. Last Friday, when I weighed myself, I had lost a pound. Then I had a wonderful weekend and completely sabotaged myself! When I weighed in this morning I not only gained back that pound, but 1.8 lbs more! I AM SO MAD!!!

Now, I knew that it wasn't going to be the best weigh in, but I didn't think it was going to be THAT bad. I didn't think I was bad enough to warrant a 2.8 lb weight gain. AND, for as bad as I was over the weekend, there was one day last week I was way UNDER in calories. Apparently I don't know my body as well as I thought. All I know now is that I've got to be extra careful this week.

OK. I've had enough with this post for today. Let's get this over with.

Last Week's Goals:

* Weight Loss - gained 1.8 pounds.
* Gym - Actually made this goal. Went 4 days.
* Calories - Did beautifully all week long until Saturday.

This Week's Goals:

* Calories - I expect 1700 calorie perfection.
* Weight Loss - If I gained 2.8 pounds in 2 days, I should be able to lose it quickly. Therefore, my goal is 3 pounds.
* Gym - 4-5 days. I'm trying to work myself back up to making it a full 5 days, but not beat myself up if I can't.

Gatorade - Yes or No?

2011-04-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

So, last week I thought I found a new best friend - a friend that would get me through my workouts and help me feel better. However, now I'm questioning the healthiness of such a friendship.

I am speaking, of course, of Gatorade. I started drinking this during my more intense workouts (a.k.a. Body Combat) to not only help me get through my workout, but the rest of the day. I was finding that on days I took this particular class I was sluggish for the rest of the day. It just wore me out. However, once I took this into my workout with me, I was not only to make it through the class with more energy, but lift weights, go shopping, etc. as well. I felt so much better.

What's the problem then? Well, as good as it made me feel, Gatorade is high in calories and loaded with sugar. In fact, its whole purpose is to replace the sugar and electrolytes you use in intense workouts to improve performance. It's great if that's all you are trying to do, but if you're trying to burn fact, drinking a bunch of sugar may not be the best thing to do.

Having read and thought about it, I think I'm going to have to break it off with my new best friend before it gets too serious. Gatorade, I love you, but my goal is weight-loss, not just performance. I think I'm going to have to say good-bye for a while.

Monday Morning Stats - Pushing Myself, Measurements and Re-evaluation

2011-03-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Another week gone and a new one beginning. Looks like I'm finally getting back into the routine and it feels good to be making progress.

This morning I debated. I debated about whether or not I wanted to get up. I debated about whether to bike or run, which requires much more exertion. Then I debated about whether to push myself beyond what I have always done and think I can do, or just stick to the same routine. I am happy to say that I picked the harder option in every instance. It wasn't premeditated. I fully intended to take the easy way out every time, but the competitive side of me decided I wasn't going to be beaten - the feeling of success and knowing I am did everything to the best of my ability driving me on.

Don't misunderstand. I'm not bragging. I don't give myself the credit at all. If there is one thing I am so grateful to have done was start taking the boot camp class. It has reminded me how to work - how to feel like I'm going to drop dead and still keep going, still do 20, 30, 40 more of whatever she throws at us (which is mainly push-ups and squats). It is that drive the pushed me today and got me out of my exercise slump. Boy did it feel good. Now to keep it up.

This week's progress:

So this week went fairly well. I didn't do as well as I'd like in the weight loss area, but I made progress so I can't complain. I'm going to go into that, but first I promised measurements, so here you go:

Chest: 44.75 1.25 inch loss
Waist: 38.5 .5 inch loss
Hips: 50 1 inch loss
Thigh: 29.5 - 1 inch loss

Total since Jan. 23, 2011: 3.75 inches

Total lost since Jan. 21, 2010:

Chest: 3.75 inches
Waist: 10.5 inches
Hips: 8 inches
Thigh: 3.5 inches

Grand total: 25.75 inches

OK, now for the normal stuff:

* Calories - I have been able to stick to my calories for the most part. As usual, I had one or two days where I went over a bit.
* Weight loss - I lost 1.2 pounds, for a grand total of 29.5 pounds since I started keeping track a year ago last January.
* Gym - I wanted 4 days at the gym, but went three. However, I made a conscious choice to trade in one day at the gym for 2 hours our shoveling rocks in the back yard (we're expanding our garden). I figured those 2 hours were the equivalent of a good workout at the gym).

This week's goals:

* Calories - Well, I'm not really having the results I want with a daily caloric intake of 1800. I know some of that is because I'm not always perfect, but I still think the number is a little high. I would like to lose at least 2 pounds a week. That being said, I'm lowering my intake to 1700 calories for the week and seeing what that does.
* Weight loss - At this rate, it doesn't look like I'm going to meet my 20 pound goal in 6 weeks. That's alright though. I knew it was an ambitious goal. However, I would like to see at least 2-3 pounds come off weekly. Two pounds is my goal for this week.
* Gym - 4 days.

Monday Morning Stats - Motivation and Reasons Why

2011-03-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am the type of person that has to learn things the hard way. I always have been. I'm not a troublemaker. No. I am far too much of a people pleaser to be that, but I do tend to think that I am right most of the time and change can come very slowly for me when I don't want to make the change - or I can fly through change recklessly, too excited to look at what the consequences might be.

I think it is safe to say - and I'm sure you will agree - that the change to a healthier lifestyle has gone rather slowly, my mind and habits continuously wanting to revert to my old ways. This was never so evident as it was during the last three months of 2010, when I started slipping from my exercise routine.

I wasn't too worried at first. I was just injured and burned out with the gym. I would surely pick it back up again. However, as my eating habits started to slip and I found it harder and harder to find the motivation to go back to the gym, I started to pray to my Heavenly Father for help to find the motivation to get my rear in gear and start exercising and controlling my eating again.

Very quickly I learned to be careful what you pray for. Motivation came in the form of a gall bladder attack the first of November. Unfortunately, being the numb-skull that I am, I didn't heed the warning and continued in my unhealthy ways - which led to two more massive gall bladder attacks two days in a row during my Christmas vacation.

Thankfully I listened to my body that time, have changed my ways and have not had one since. However, I would like to avoid a repeat of the last holiday season this year. For a while now, I have felt that I needed to repeat the exercise of writing down exactly why I am doing this. This is my report:

Reasons to Get Healthier:

1. Longer lifespan - I want to live to see my children's children have children and be able to enjoy them.
2. More energy - I want to be able to play around with my children and not get tired. I would also like the energy to do all I set out to do.
3. Family history - Heart disease and cancer run pretty ramped in my family. I would like to avoid a repeat of history in my case. OR, if I am destined to get one of the aforementioned or any other health problem, I would like to do everything to lessen its severity and recover more quickly.
4. Health insurance - I currently cannot qualify for health insurance because of my weight. I have to be under a certain body fat percentage for at least 6 months before I will be approved. I'm not quite there yet, but am nearing it. I really don't like being without insurance.
5. Baby #6 - I know that there is one more baby waiting to come down and be apart of our family. I would really like to be healthy for my final pregnancy. I need to be to avoid any additional complications.
6. Self-confidence - With each pound I shed, my self-confidence grows a little. It's hard not to have self-esteem issues when your body image is bad, especially when you're prone to them anyway.
7. Gall bladder attacks - I hate them. They are miserable. I will eventually have to have my gall bladder out because I have a stone, but I can't do it right now. Fat and too much sugar/chocolate brings them on, so I need to reduce my intake of those things.
8. My hubby - I want my hubby to have a wife that looks good. He deserves it.
9. Clothes - OK, even a materialistic reason is a reason. I want to be able to buy cute clothes and look good in them. I HATE fat lady clothing!!!

I'm sure I'll think of more reasons after I publish this post, but now it's time for the real reason for this post - my Monday Morning Stats. I totally forgot to weigh myself yesterday, so I did it this morning. Here are my results:

* Calories - Did really well all week, except Friday.
* Gym - Only made it 3 days last week. It's better than nothing, but I need to make it at least 4 this week.
* Weight loss - My goal was for 3 pounds. I only lost 1.4. I'm gonna watch it more carefully this week. Hopefully I can make some of it up. If it doesn't look like the amount of calories I am eating will allow me to lose as much as I'd like, maybe I'll consider lowering my daily caloric intake. Anyway, that puts me at 227.2.

This week's goal:
* Calories - Keeping it at 1800 calories for now. We'll see if that changes next week.
* Gym - 4 times. Maybe I can reach a smaller goal a little easier.
* Weight loss: 3 pounds.
* Measurements: I think it's time I take my measurements next week to see what's going on there.

Monday Morning Stats - Avoiding Burnout

2011-03-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

It seems that whatever goal I choose to work on, I go about it in one of two ways. One, I push it off and push it off, saying that I will start next week, or, two, I go at it full force until I burnout and quit. There never seems to be a middle ground.

This definitely holds true for me trying to get healthier again. Up until last year I pushed it off continuously, finding every excuse in the book for why I can't do it "today." Then, once I got started, I was extremely gung-ho with my exercise - working out for 1 hour 15 minutes early every morning until I burned out about 3/4 of the way through the year. The last quarter of the year was spent regaining old, bad eating habits and attending the gym sporadically.

That being said, I'm going at this whole gym thing a little differently this year. I'm trying to add in a little variety in hopes that I won't burnout. Now, instead of EVERY morning being an early morning, I go early three days a week for 50 minutes and attend classes later in the morning the other two days then do some cardio or weight lifting afterward. This does three things: 1) gives me a little more sleep a couple days a week, 2) gives me a little variety so I don't get bored and 3) keeps my muscles on their toes so that I don't plateau.

I'm actually really enjoying the classes - well, at least the body combat class, anyway. I don't think "enjoy" is really the right word for the torture that is called "Boot Camp." They're definitely working me differently, however, and I have friends in them - which helps with the boredom/burnout thing as well. It's amazing how much more fun it is to be tortured with a friend rather than all alone. I'm burning tons more calories too!

OK, so here's a look at last week:

* Weight loss - My goal was 5 pounds. I lost 5.4. I'm right on track for my goal of 20 pounds in 6 weeks.
* Gym - Made it 3 times last week.
* Calories - Did pretty well counting calories. Went over on 2 days. One was last Wednesday - I worked out extraordinarily hard, leaving me starving all day. At least my calories were healthy ones, though. The other day was date night.

My goals for this week:

* Weight loss - Hope to lose 3 pounds.
* Gym - Already on track for a good week. Want to make it at least 5 days.
* Calories - 1800 calories everyday except Friday, which I give myself 2000 for pizza and a movie night with the kids. (That's 2000 for the entire day, not for just pizza.)
* Water - With harder, longer workouts twice a week, I really need to concentrate on drinking more water.

Monday Morning Stats - Yikes!

2011-03-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

Remember how last week I said I didn't trust my weigh-in? Well, I can only hope that this one is untrustworthy as well. There is no way - NO WAY - I did poorly enough last week to merit the weight gain I had. True, I didn't exercise due to illness. True, I wasn't exact on my calories. And, yes, I did have a weekend trip, but I have NEVER had a gain like this in one week and I really didn't do that poorly. In fact, I have never done this well on a weekend trip. Yes, I had two fairly fatty meals over the course of 3 days and a little too much dessert on Saturday, but I packed healthy snacks for the car and ordered healthily the rest of the time. Really, in the past I've done much worse and gained much less.

So, I guess this is the part where I have to divulge how bad the damage is. Well, according to the scale, I gained 8.2 pounds. 8.2 POUNDS!! I didn't even know that was possible!! My only hope is that most of it is water. If the truth be told, my ring that is a couple of sizes too big is tight and my feet and ankles look and feel like I'm in the beginning of the third trimester of one of my pregnancies. To give you an idea of what that means, I usually retain about 40-45 pounds of water by the end of my pregnancies.

Now, I'm not just making excuses. My hypothesis is based on the fact that last week was my monthly weight gain week. I guess the proof will be in how I do this week. If I lose 8-10 pounds then we know that's what it is. If I don't, well, then I'll take full responsibility.

Alright, now that I've confessed, here's a look at my goals:

Last week:
* Weight loss - Weighed in at 234.2. That's an 8.2 weight gain. Highly depressing.
* Gym - Sick all last week. Didn't make it.
* Blogging - Yep, didn't get that one done either.

I must say, this is the most depressing week I've had since I started this journey.

This week:
* Weight loss - I'm going for at least a 5 pound weight loss this week.
* Gym - Got in late last night from the trip. Didn't go this morning. Will go Tuesday through Friday.
* Blogging - I AM going to blog more this week - preferably one of the aforementioned posts.
* Counting calories - My husband and I have made it a goal to be extremely strict on counting calories for the next 6 weeks.

Something new:
During our time in the car last weekend, my husband and I talked about what we would like to accomplish over the next few weeks. We both would like to be a bit better with our food and start losing weight at a faster rate. That being said, we have set the goal to lose 20 pounds a piece in the next 6 weeks. We're not sure if this is possible, but we're sure going to try. The deadline is April 18th. I'll keep up updated on our progress.

Monday Morning Stats - Posts You've Never Seen

2011-03-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

I am having a really hard time keeping up with this blog. I don't know why, but I just can't make myself sit down and write. I even write these posts in my head and plan on it, but my mojo leaves by the time I am able to actually sit down to type them up. One day I am actually going to write them out, but for now you just get to see the titles:

* Motivation - about praying for motivation and the answer
* Reasons Why - a reminder of why I am doing this
* Balance - trying to find the balance between being so gung-ho that I burn out and not doing enough

Reading through the titles, I realize I really do need to write them - for myself if for no other reason. I need to see them on print so that I can remember what I am learning and imprint them into my heart. These are the sort of reminders that will keep me going strong. I need to be better.

So, here's what the past couple of weeks have looked like:

* Weight-loss - I weighed in at 226. That's a 1.6 pound loss.
* Calorie Counting - I was doing really well at this until I got sick last week. Will be picking this back up tomorrow.
* Gym - I've gotten back into my workouts except for the past several days. I've been sick .... again. Can I just say that I'm SO ready for the winter months to be OVER!

This Week's Goal:

* Weight-loss - My goal is to not gain anything. I don't trust that the last weigh-in was true. I worry that my illness had something to do with it.
* Calorie Counting - As I said, I'm picking this back up tomorrow. However, I have a trip this weekend, so my real goal is to control what I eat while I'm traveling. It will be hard to count calories while I'm on the road, but I want to make good choices.
* Gym - Get right back to it as soon as I am well.
* Blog - Write just ONE of the posts mentioned above.

Monday Morning Stats - Busy

2011-02-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

Goodness! It has been a couple of run away weeks, that's for sure. I haven't been able to take a breather, let alone keep up with this blog. Fortunately, things have slowed and I can concentrate.

OK, I've kinda gotta a bit to do to prepare for our Valentine's FHE (Family Home Evening), so I'm just going to do a quick overview of the last couple weeks since I've been away:

2 Weeks Ago:

* Calories - Did well counting all week long until Saturday. My daughter was baptized so we had a bunch of family in town. Of course, this meant that I wasn't as careful with my food over the weekend.
* Exercise - Made it to the gym 3 days.
* Weight loss - Nadda. Lost a little weight before Friday hit, but the weekend combined with premenstrual syndrome knocked that possibility out of the park. Didn't gain anything either, though.

Last Week:

* Calories - Had a rough time with this last week. Didn't start counting until Thursday. Been good at it since then. Doubt I went over much at the beginning of the week despite not counting, however.
* Exercise - Exercised for 30 minutes at home one day last week. I wasn't feeling well at the beginning of the week and then was so busy at the end that I ended up spending a lot of late nights trying to get it all done. Unfortunately, late nights don't go well with 5:30 am mornings.
* Weight loss - Lost 1.4 pounds. Now am at 227.6.

This week's goals:

* Gym every day.
* Count calories every day. May go over a bit tonight. It is Valentine's Day, afterall.
* Get my house clean and finish my husband's quilt. (Maybe if I write it down here I'll get it done!)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!

Creole Jambalaya

2011-02-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Here's my daughter's all time favorite recipe. It does have butter and Polish sausage in it, but when finished, there really is only a small amount of fat in each serving. I'm sure you could substitute brown rice for the white rice as well.

Creole Jambalaya

¾ cups onion, chopped

½ cups celery, diced

¼ cup bell pepper, chopped

2 Tbsp butter

2 cups 97% fat-free ham, cubed

¾ lb shrimp, peeled and deveined

¾ lb Polish sausage, sliced

28-oz can diced tomatoes

10 ½ -oz can beef broth

1 cup water

1 tsp sugar

1 tsp thyme

¼ tsp pepper

½ tsp chili powder

1 cup white rice

1 tsp dried parsley

2 cloves garlic minced

Lightly saute onion, celery and bell pepper in butter. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until liquid is cooked off.

Monday Morning Stats - Don't Weigh Yourself More Than Once A Week

2011-02-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

I did do my weigh-in on Monday. I just haven't had time to write about it until now.

When I stepped on the scale on Monday, I waited in anticipation to see the number it would show. I had been weighing myself throughout the week last week and had an inkling that it was going to be a record breaking number for me. With a preconceived number in my head, I kicked on the scale, waited for it to read zero and stepped on. After what seemed like an eternity the scale told me my weight and my heart dropped. It was not what I was expecting.

So, what was this horrible weight loss, you might ask? Well, I lost four pounds. FOUR POUNDS!!! I should have been rejoicing, right? It's far more than I've lost in any one week during the course of the last year. What could have possibly been my problem?

Well, my problem lied in the fact that I weighed myself 2 days earlier and the scale showed that I had lost 0.4 pounds more than what the scale said on Monday. Having seen that and knowing that I had been very strict on my calories, I expected to have lost at least 1/2 a pound more or at least stayed the same.

The thing is, I know that logically a 0.4 pound gain from Saturday to Monday could be anything. Weight fluctuates for so many reasons. It could be the 32 oz of water I drank before Monday's weigh-in and didn't drink Saturday morning. It could be hormones, water retention or the amount of bowels in my system. IT COULD BE ANYTHING, but let's face it - weight-loss is just as much emotional as it is logical.

That being said, it has been a couple days and I am now excited about the loss. The amount of success I had has motivated me to keep going for another week and I have now kept up with my calorie counting longer than I ever have before. (I know that's not saying much, but still.) I just need to not step on that scale as often so that I can be excited about what the scale says every week.

OK, now for my goals:

Last week's goals:
*Weight-loss: 4 pounds. I'm now at 229, or I was on Monday anyway.
*Calorie counting: Going good! I'm doing 1800 calories everyday, except Friday when I allow myself 2000. My family and I have Monday pizza and watch a movie night on Friday, and we're keeping the tradition. Instead of ordering pizza, however, I'm making it so that I can control how much fat is in the pizza.
* Gym: I went 3 out of the 5 days, but I'm not stressing that I didn't make it the full five days. I think I got burned out last year because I put so much stress on it. I'm still going to strive to go daily, but I'm not going to stress out if my alarm clock stops working one night and I don't get up in time (which did happen this week).
* Blogging: I've definitely been more regular in blogging than I've been in a while, but I don't think I'll ever be doing what I used to do on here. I have far to much to do and other goals I would like to achieve. Let's just say, I'm writing in moderation.

This week's goals:
* Keep up everything I did last week.
* Don't step on the scale until Monday.

I'm Calling It A Success

2011-01-28T15:24:00.001-08:00

Did I have a perfect day?

No.

Was I perfect at it?

No.

That being said, I'm calling it a success.

With Wednesday's shopping trip, yesterday marked my first day keeping track of my calories. My goal was to stay underneath 1800 calories. I didn't make it. I was about 100 calories over, but I tried.

Where did I go wrong? If forgot to track something and then went over before I realized I hadn't put something into my computer program. Had I not eaten what I forgot about, I would have been right at 1800 calories.

Also, another little triumph. I stuck to my 1/4 cup of M&Ms while I watched my husband down three times that. I know this sounds stupid, but it was really hard. I desperately wanted more once mine was gone and he was still enjoying his. I did ask for 2 more, but once they were gone I stuck to it and didn't grab more. I guess I at least have SOME will power.

Today has been harder. I desperately want to head towards some chocolate or make and eat cookie dough, but I'm hanging on to yesterday's success and holding out for a good weight loss this week. I CAN do this!

Recipe Exchange

2011-01-26T23:48:00.000-08:00

I finally went shopping today and filled my fridge with wonderful, delicious and, yes, healthy foods for myself and my family. This means that tomorrow morning I start preparing nutritious meals and tracking my calories with a vengeance. The only problem is that my nutritious meal menu has a limited number of entries. It is for this reason that I am appealing to you for help. Here's my plea:

I'm going to post one of my healthy recipes once a week. I return, I am hoping to receive a healthy recipe from each of you. Please, please, PLEASE help me out. I'm looking for tried and tested recipes - you know, the kind the kids will eat. It doesn't matter if they're breakfast, lunch, dinner snack or dessert recipes, but they need to be low in fat and sugar.

Here's my recipe:

Italian Zucchini Stir Fry

1 ½ lbs. Chicken Tenders

2 Zucchini

1 Sm. Onion

3 Roma Tomatoes - chopped

½ Sm. Bag of Peas

3 Cloves Garlic

2-3 Tbsp. Italian Seasoning

3 Tbsp Parmesan Cheese

Salt

Pepper

3 Tbsp. Olive Oil

Bag Bowtie Pasta (Healthiest if whole grain)

Cook Pasta according to package directions.

In a large skillet, cook chicken in oil thoroughly. Add zucchini, onion and garlic. Cook until onion and zucchini are tender. Add peas, tomatoes, Italian seasoning, and parmesan cheese. Salt and Pepper to taste. Serve over pasta and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

Monday Morning Stats - Back to Square Two: A Year in Review

2011-01-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

2010 has come and gone. I can't believe that it was almost exactly a year ago that I got my gym membership and started writing on this little blog. I can't say that I'm not glad the year is over, but I can't say I wish it never happened. 2010 was a rough year for me - a year that taught me a lot about myself, about God and about the strength of family. It was a necessary year of growth - one that I will never forget. However, this is not the reason for this post. ... OK, it is, but on a much smaller scale. I'm referring, of course, to my weight loss journey.

In regards to this journey, I started off 2010 with a bang, teetered back and forth in success mid-way through the year, then petered out towards the end. I will not say the journey was a failure - that would imply giving up. Rather, the year was a jumping off point where I learned more about myself and what I am, and not, capable of.

What did I learn exactly? First and foremost, I learned that I will never be "over" my addiction to food/sweets. It will be a lifelong struggle. This is part of where I went wrong. At one point I decided I was "cured," so to speak, and no longer craved foods that were unhealthy. With this assumption came a steady fall back into my old habits as I let my guard down.

Second, I learned that I CAN lose weight. It is possible, it's just very difficult. Some people can just exercise and lose everything they need/want to. I can't. I have to track every last calorie and be extremely careful with what I place in my mouth to have even the slightest impact on my weight.

Third, I am strong. I may not have a ton of stamina, but I am very physically strong for a woman. Not only that, but I like to be.

Fourth, food is fuel, not happiness, and each piece of fuel has a purpose. We need a variety of different fuels to make our body work properly and when we don't get that fuel in the right proportions, it affects not only our bodies negatively, but our minds as well.

Fifth, I learned that I do, in fact, have a gall stone. When I don't eat properly, I get very sick. I will probably have to have it taken out, but until then I need to be very careful. I was reminded of this over Christmas break when my New Years was completely ruined by a two day attack. No, food isn't fun when it takes you out of commission for two days.

What does all this mean? Well, it means I have a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, there is one more thing I learned. When you slack at the gym, it takes little to no time for all that work to be undone. Now, I didn't gain everything I lost back. However, I can't lift as much, my stamina has gone way down and I'm back on the elliptical instead of the treadmill because my injured knee is no longer strong enough to run on. My knee alone took several months of hard work last year before I was able to run on it. I'm not quite back to square one at the gym, but I'm not where I was at at my peek either. I guess you could say I'm at square two.

So, where am I at square two? Well let's have a look, shall we?

My official weigh-in today was 233. That's a total weight-loss of 22.5 lbs for the year. I have seen my weight as low as 228, so I'm definitely still struggling with my eating habits.

My measurements are:
waist-39 inches
thigh-30.5 inches
chest-46 inches
hips-51 inches

I lost a total of 19.5 inches. Now it says that I went up an inch in my chest, but I think that's because of a difference in bras.... And, no. I'm not padding.

Oh, and I've definitely changed dress sizes. I went from a 22/24 to an 18.

Goals for the year:
* To write on this blog on a regular basis. It is my journal. I found when I got lazy with my writing, I got lazy with my health.
* Start exercising everyday, Monday through Friday, again. I did it last week for the first time in months and it felt great.
* Track, Track, TRACK calories. Not only that, but I'm going to try and find a way to post what I eat everyday on a different page so that I'm accountable to someone other than myself.

Monday Morning Stats - Not a Morning Person

2010-10-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest. I am NOT a morning person. I would so much rather stay up late and wake up late - which means this getting up early thing is a bit of a hard thing of which to get back into the habit.

Looking over the last few weeks, I noticed that it's been about four weeks since I was consistently at the gym 4-5 days a week. (I'm supposed to be there 5 days a week.) Granted, not going isn't something I've had control over with kids' illnesses and injury, but that doesn't mean it hasn't taken its toll. I've gone 4 weeks secretly glad that I have had a reason to sleep in a little, but that means that my body is not as used to the early mornings, not as strong as it was four weeks ago, and definitely doesn't have the endurance it did.

Now that I'm trying to re-establish good habits, I find myself fighting myself every morning to actually get out of bed - and I'm not kidding, there's literally an internal battle going on in my head every morning. Every morning I think of an excuse to go back to bed and every morning I force myself to just do this or do that before I head that direction, eventually making it out the door and to the gym. Then I have to force myself through each interval on the treadmill or bike telling myself "Just one more interval," until I make it through the entire cardio workout. Then I repeat the same tactic through my weight training until I finish that.

I guess I never really stopped having to force myself to get up and go from day one in January until now. It just feels right now like it's so much harder - partially because of the burnout I spoke about in one of my other posts and partially because I'm out of the habit. I guess it's during times like these that we just have to power through it harder.

Oh a more positive note, I must admit that getting back into the habit of exercising feels great - afterward, I mean. I ran for the first time in three weeks today, thanks to my foot finally showing some improvement. It felt awesome to really push myself to the limit - well, until I just about lost last night's dinner and had to do some deep breathing to keep from passing out. I had to end my weights 10 minutes early because I couldn't get my body under control, but emotionally I felt awesome - once I felt physically better - because I know I couldn't have pushed myself any harder than I did!

OK, so no on to the stats.

Last week:

* Exercise - Foot problems ended up keeping me off my feet Tuesday through Friday. Hopefully I'm improving now and that won't be a problem anymore.
* Weight-loss - I wanted to lose 1 pound and I lost 3.2!! Woohoo!! Hopefully that's not muscle loss. I'm just going to pretend it's all good loss, at least for now.
* Watch What I Eat - Well, considering my weight-loss, I think I did fairly well on that one.
* Look At the Positive - I'd say I had a good week. Can't really see a negative that I could control. I'm fighting the urge to give up on it all. I'm losing weight. I'm happy!

This week:
* Exercise - I'm going to make it FIVE times this week!
* Weight-loss - Because my week was so good this week, I'm just trying not to gain anything. I'm worried that this weigh-in was a bit of a fluke and that I really did lose muscle and will gain it back this week, causing me to gain some weight back. Also, I tend to gain after a really good weigh-in.
* Eating - I'm just trying to control portion sizes this week and see what that does. I'm starting to get a good idea of how much of everything I'm allowed to eat and still stay within my calories.
* Measurements - I think it's time I take some.

Beans and Rice

2010-10-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

When my family and I finally felt the effects of the economy downturn, we adapted to our new situation and made several changes in our lifestyle. Some changes were easy and made quickly. Others were not and it took awhile to adjust to them. Among those was the need to switch to eating from our year supply of food storage.

As usual, there were both expected and unexpected consequences - if you will - of our need to do this. Expected, of course, were the complaints we received from our children as we started serving dishes they were not used to. Unexpected was that not only could these new dishes be good, but we would physically feel much better eating them than we did eating our normal faire. Really, I look at our financial struggle as a blessing, because it helped me to eat much healthier than I ever had.

There were three main changes to our diet. First, instead of store bought bread I grind my own wheat and make my own wheat bread - which has no added fat and very little sugar. Second, instead of cold cereal for breakfast we eat oatmeal made with whole rolled oats, hot cereal made with ground wheat and oats, or toast made from my homemade wheat bread. Third, instead of meat dishes we eat a lot of beans and rice.

Now, being someone who believed that her body required a daily allotment of meat, I was sure that I would only be sticking to such a change as long as was financially necessary. And, once we made the change, my opinion was only strengthened at first because I became shaky and felt quite week. What I found out, however, was that my body was merely adjusting to the change, because, once a couple weeks had past, I felt much better than I ever had. It's hard to describe, but I guess you could say I felt clean inside.

Anyway, as time passed, we were once able to buy meat on occasion and started cooking with it more. However, what I found was that the meat actually weighed me down and I wasn't able to exercise as vigorously the next day when I ate it without getting sick. In fact, when I eat too much of it, I immediately regret it because of how poor it makes me feel physically.

Now, I'm not saying that I've given up meat completely. I'm definitely no vegetarian. What I'm saying is that we've cut our meat consumption down considerably. Instead of meat everyday, twice a day, we have it once a day, two to three times a week and in small amounts.

So, that being said, you might be asking how I could possibly eat beans that often. Well, despite my doubts, I actually found that there are many good bean recipes, most either burritos, in soups or with rice. In fact, I recently found one that I changed and made my own, which my family absolutely loved. I thought I'd share it with you.

Caribbean Rice and Beans

1/4 cup canola oil
1/2 large onion, chopped
1/2 green bell pepper, chopped
1/2 tsp garlic powder
3 cups cooked black beans (approx. 2 cans)
1 Tbsp white vinegar
1 cup dry white or brown rice
2 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 Tbsp dry parsley
1 Tbsp garlic chives, sliced
Hot sauce, like Tobasco
Salt
Freshly ground pepper

Saute onions,pepper and garlic in oil. Add beans and vinegar, cook for 5 minutes over medium heat. Add rice and broth. Simmer until rice is tender and liquid is cooked off. Stir in parsley and chives. Salt, pepper and hot sauce to taste.

Just in case you're wondering, with a bean recipe like this, I would normally served a salad or vegetables, and a fruit along side it.

My Dumb Numb Foot

2010-10-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

OK. This is getting just a little bit ridiculous. Remember this post? Yeah, the one about how I stepped on a sea urchin? It was written two weeks ago - TWO WEEKS AGO!!! Who would have thought that six pin-sized puncture wounds could have caused so much trouble, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain.

When I wrote the above mentioned post, it had only been two days since I stepped on the blasted thing. I really thought that the pain would subside quickly and I would be on that treadmill in a couple of days. That wasn't the case, however.

A week passed and there wasn't any improvement in the pain I felt when I walked, despite the fact that it looked like everything had healed. I couldn't understand it. There seemed to be just the five miniscule brown dots and line that I took for scabs - the wounds had bled after all. Those dots turned out to be key, however, when I discovered during a little session of first aid that they were not, in fact, scabs, but little bits of urchin spines decaying in my foot.

During that little bit of first aid a little over a week ago, I managed to get everything out and it felt much better. There was just one wound that seemed tender to the touch, but I chalked it up to being poked and prodded too much. Whether that was true or not, I don't know, but my gut told me to stop fiddling with it so I did.

Fast forward to today. The wound is still sore to the touch, let alone walking on it, and over the last several days other complications have arisen. For the first several days I was walking on the toes of my right foot. No big deal, except that I now had perma-cramps in my calves and it was straining the arch of my foot, so I switched to a more comfortable walking position - walking on the side of my foot.

I thought this was a great solution and figured I could continue to do so until my foot healed - which was sure to be in a day or two since I'd gotten out all the urchin as far as I could tell. I was even able to appear to be walking normally and without a limp. In fact, I was able to go at my normal speed again. Yay! What I didn't expect, though, was the damage it would do to the outside of my foot.

Guess what! Your foot is NOT meant to be walked on like that! Apparently it has completely strained one side of my foot, causing a very different sort of unpleasant sensation of pain on the outside edge of my foot. More bizarre, however, is the fact that it is NUMB. It feels just like a dentist decided to shoot my foot full of novocaine. My two smallest toes, the pads near them on the ball of my foot and the entire outside edge of my foot is numb and I can't bend my toes. I can feel things, but its like I'm feeling them through something else - which is exactly the case. I'm feeling them through the liquid of my swollen feet!

Needless to say I'm spending the day off my foot and trying to nurse it back to health -scalding hot salt water for the sore wound that I cleaned some infection out of this morning instead of going to the gym, and ice for the swelling. Who would have thought such a small accident would be such a big pain in the butt! My husband didn't - that's for sure. I think he just thinks I'm making it up for sympathy and to get him to do stuff for me, but I'm not. Ugh!

Anyway, it looks as though - through no fault of my own (unless you count the fact that I was the one to STEP on the urchin) - I will not be reaching my goal of going to the gym everyday this week, so I'm refocusing. Since I can't exercise, I'm really watching what I eat so that I don't gain anything back due to inactivity. Perhaps this is really a blessing in disguise. No exercise = less room for error. I actually have to eat well now! Wish me luck!!

Monday Morning Stats - Happy

2010-10-11T10:06:00.001-07:00

Have you ever met someone that drove you nuts? Not because of anything negative, but because they were just too happy? You know what I'm talking about. They're the ones with a smile plastered on their face and a bounce in their step, humming to themselves, no matter what happens. Yeah? Well I feel like one of those people today - HAPPY!! So, let me apologize in advance if I drive you nuts, but I plan on being this way the whole day.

Happy, happy, happy, happy.

Please don't try and change my mood. I don't get to be this way often. If you're miserable and want to stay that way, talk to me another day. I will not allow anyone around me to stay in the downy dumps.

Happy, happy, happy, happy.

So, why am I so happy? ??? ??? ???

I don't know.

It's not like I had a perfect week. In fact, I've been burned out on exercise for the last three weeks! Heck! I only went to the gym 3 times last week, once the week before and twice the week before that . Let's not even mention that my foot has still not finished healing and is now almost completely numb one side from walking on it funny for so long. I'm even having trouble with my circulation when I exercise again, but I DON'T CARE! I'm HAPPY!

Happy, happy, happy, happy.

I suppose it might have something to do with the fact that for the first time in three weeks I had a kill-yourself-hard workout. Perhaps I'm rejoicing because I've traded in that blasted 5 am wake-up call for a more reasonable 5:30 am - yes, 30 minutes makes that much of a difference. I might even guess that me losing the rest of the weight I gained back helps.

Happy, happy, happy, happy.

ANYWAY, this is Monday Morning Stats, so I guess I'd better get down to it. My weigh-in this morning put me at 235.4 pounds. I'm on my way back down again!!

Goals for this week:

1. Get back on the gym bandwagon.
2. Watch what I eat.
3. Lose at least 1 pound.
4. Look at what I've accomplished and not what I've failed at.

OK, so that's it. No stress! Just try my hardest!

Hope you all have a HAPPY day!!

Precept Upon Precept, Line Upon Line

2010-10-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

It often happens that I get angry with myself for imperfection. Looking back on my blog, it seems that every Monday Morning Stats has a section that reads something along the line of, "I did better, but not as good as I'd like." Instead of seeing improvement, all I see is failure if I didn't eat EXACTLY the way I think I should everyday and if I didn't exercise EXACTLY the way I think is necessary.

A good case in point this week was a post I almost wrote. I've been watching a new TV show on TLC called "Freaky Eaters." On this show, a therapist uses shock therapy to shock a patient into realizing their destructive eating behavior. Taking a leaf out of this therapist's book, I was going to "shock" myself into better eating by adding up all the weight I lost over the weeks and all the weight I gained back and had to re-lose over the weeks to see how much I could have lost by now if I had been perfect.

Well, as often happens, I never found the time to write the post and, after some thought, I decided it was a good thing, because instead of looking at the positive changes I've made, I would then, again, be looking at the negative - which would inevitably bring me down. As I contemplated the last eight months, I came to realize that I'm not the same person I was and, though the change is occurring slowly, it is still occurring. That's when a scripture from Isaiah ran through my mind, and, though it is in reference to revelation, I feel it applies to all aspects of our lives. It reads:

For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.

Isaiah 28:10

The Lord does not expect us to know or learn everything right away. He gives it to us a little at a time. If that is true of the gospel, then would it not also be true in the practical applications of our lives? Would it then be true that I am not expected to live a perfect healthy life immediately, but to make changes slowly over time so as to make sure they are permanent? Could the expectation of perfection actually be setting me up for failure?

Monday Morning Stats - Um, Can We Say Ironic?

2010-09-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

If you saw my last post, you probably guessed that last week didn't quite go as planned. On what was supposed to be not only one of the busiest weeks of my life, but my week to be perfect at going to the gym, my kids got sick, leading to sleepless nights and three days of no gym for the second week in a row. Sure, I exercised, but it's not the same as a full, intense session of brutal torture at the gym.

Anyway, as I said, feeling it more important to be a decent mom, I opted for a later wake-up call and a little more sleep instead of 5 am madness on Wednesday through Friday of last week. I told myself that it wasn't going to ruin my habit and I would start being perfect starting this week instead of last week as originally stated in my last Monday Morning Stats. Unfortunately, a mishap of my own has prevented me from doing so.

Um, can we say ironic? Now I can't go to the gym for the third week in a row because of my own stupidity and not due to the noble sacrifices of being a mom. What did I do, you might ask? I'd make you guess, but it's so random you probably wouldn't even come close, so here it goes:

Last weekend we headed to California to see some family. As usual, we headed to our favorite spot - the beach. Now, I grew up in California and have been to the beach many, many times without injury aside from scraping my hip when I fell against some rocks after snorkeling. Really, as long as you are following safety rules, there really isn't much that can go wrong - well, unless you aren't looking where you are going and step on a sea urchin.

For those of you who don't know it, sea urchins are venomous. They can cause anything from swelling and pain to respiratory failure depending on the amount of venom injected and how deep the puncture wounds are. Fortunately, my particular urchin was dead. Unfortunately, apparently dead ones can still cause swelling and a healthy enough dose of pain to keep you off your feet, so I'm forced to find alternative forms of exercise for a few days when I so desperately need a good run. (Kinda funny considering I hate running.)

Honestly, it's really not that bad, especially two days later. I just can't put any pressure on it or it's quite painful. I've spent the last two days walking, and standing, on my toes on my right foot. My calf, though getting a glorious workout, is now in a constant state of cramping from the movement it is not used to for extended periods of time.

So, what does this mean for my week of workouts? I'm looking for suggestions. From where I sit, it's looking like pilates, crunches and upper body weights are about the extent of what I might be capable of doing. We'll see. Maybe by the end of the week things will be different.

OK, so back to the purpose of this post. Here's a look at my week:

Goals last week:

* Exercise - You've already gotten the run down. See above.
* Calories - Though I didn't actually count calories, I definitely watched what I ate and portion sizes, at least until our trip. I guess since I'm incapable of hard exercise, I'll be focusing more on this. I'm going to have to be especially careful without the capability of burning large amounts of calories.
* Weight Loss - All things considered, I didn't do too badly - though I wanted to do much better. I lost 1.2 pounds, leaving me at 237.2 pounds. Had I eaten more healthily on my trip, the results would have been better. When I weighed myself on Friday, I was at 235.0. I guess it depends on how you look at it. If you look at the Friday number, it looks like I've gained. If you just pay attention to my official weigh ins, it looks like I've lost. I'm just going to say, "It could have been worse," by taking a look at the successes and failures of the whole week.

This week's goals:

* Exercise - My goal is to do SOME kind of exercise everyday. Who knows, maybe I'll (or you'll) come up with some sort of creative solution that works wonders on my body!
* Calories - Like I said, I'm gonna have to focus on this much more because of the reduction in activity levels.
* Weight loss - My goal is to continue to lose everything I can back. I would like to be 235 or less by next Monday. Also, we've got another trip planned to California in a month or so. I'm going to make it my goal to lose as much as possible by then.

Why is it?

2010-09-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Why is it that eating zucchini bread sounds so much better than eating zucchini?

Why is it that God made the things that are bad for you taste so good and the things that are good for you taste, well not bad, but not as good?

Why is it that going to bed a half hour earlier to get up a half hour earlier makes you feel like you didn't get enough sleep?

Why is it that the day you pray for patience is the day your patience is tried even more?

Why is it that your busiest weeks tend to be the ones where your children get sick?

Why is it that it is easier to create bad habits than good ones?

Why is it that the trash can sits directly adjacent to the toilet and my 4-year-old still decides to pee in the trash can?

Why is it that the week you make serious goals, with every intention to stick to them, is the week everything goes wrong?

Monday Morning Stats - Littler Ouch

2010-09-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up, went to the gym and weighed in as usual. I didn't expect to lose anything, honestly, because I'm female, we had a birthday party and we had family in town. I'm finding that I'm getting pretty good at guessing exactly how much I lose or gain, so it didn't really surprise me that I only lost .6 pounds last week, bringing me back down to 238.4.

Of course, though expected, I was slightly disappointed. I guess something inside me still wishes for the occasional miracle weight loss, but I didn't really worry too much. I just committed to doing better this week, and so far I have (for the one day I've had of the commitment, anyway).

My husband, however, had a different way of looking at it. He said it was amazing I lost anything at all during a week where my eating habits are sure to be out of the norm. Of course, I wasn't quite sure how to take that at first. Was he saying I had no self control? Possibly. However, I decided to take it as a compliment - that losing weight during such a week would be difficult, if not impossible, and I actually did it! That's a much better interpretation, don't you think?

As for goals, it's another busy week and weekend of family. I'm going to be excruciatingly strict during the week so that my weekend with family doesn't completely kill me. I don't have an exact weight loss goal, but I would like to lose at least one pound. Also, I was a little irregular with my gym attendance last week. I did exercise everyday, but it's not as good as a workout when I'm at home. I plan on being at the gym everyday this week, despite the fact that I'm really starting to hate 5 am.

OK, so I guess that's about it. Not much different from last week. Just trying to get back on track, albeit slowly.

Glimpses

2010-09-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

Decisions have a way of changing us in ways we never expect. There are changes brought on by hardships that end up changing us for the better. There are unexpected paths our lives take that change our perspectives. Then there are the good decisions we make that end up bringing unexpected changes in our personalities that aren't quite what we wanted.

When I made the decision to have children I thought, "That sounds like a fun idea. Let's give it a try." Being twenty at the time, I lacked the foresight that would have told me that though motherhood is wonderful - and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world - it is hard.

Needless to say, I was in for a shock. Instead of the well put-together person I imagined myself to be, I find myself struggling to keep up with the demands of a wife and mother of five. My home is messy more often than not, I have a hard time keeping up with the kids' schedules and I still find myself making poor decisions that effect my health in a negative way. In all honesty, at times I feel like my life is just one chaotic mess.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy or completely out of control. I'm not. However, at some point during my transition from teenage girl to woman and mother, I lost myself. Everything that I felt identified me - my education, friends and various performance activities - was stripped away, leaving someone who didn't know who she was, what her talents were or even what she enjoys doing.

Now, as a woman in her thirties, though I no longer feel totally talentless, I still feel as though I am still discovering who I am and who I want to be. Thankfully, even during the darkest of times, I have experienced what I call glimpses that have shown me the embodiment of who I have the potential to be.

I remember when I first looked at the model of my home before purchasing it. As I walked through the kitchen, I saw myself behind the counter just working away like I would any normal day. The only difference was that the woman I saw wasn't the same woman I was then, nor even the woman I am now. In fact, there was no sign of the grossly obese, unsure and untidy woman I have come to know as myself at all. The woman I saw was healthy, happy and in control of her life.

Glimpses like this give me hope that I can succeed at life. I feel they show not only who I want to be, but my potential. I guess you could say that they remind me of my goals. There have been times when these glimpses have been few and far between - times when I feel that no matter how hard I try I will never succeed. However, as I continue to make the decision to fight my obesity - and trust me, it's a daily decision to fight a fight that often seems pointless and impossible - there are also times that these glimpses not only come often but stay for extended periods of time as I start to live the vision of what I saw.

Despite what my brain and emotions tell me, it IS in me to conquer my faults and bad self-image. The more I see myself as a success, the more I feel likely to be a success. Really, decisions are the key. As I make the decisions that will lead me down the path that leads to the woman in my glimpses, I will eventually become her. I can see her now, I have only to act.

Monday Morning Stats - Ouch!

2010-09-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

I knew today's weigh in was going to be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be THAT bad. Granted, I can tell SOME of it is water weight because of the edema in my ankles, but STILL! Anyway, if you read this post, you know how my week was, I'm not going to go into that again. Suffice it to say that I gained 3 pounds back last week, making a total weight gain of 4 pounds. That puts me back at 239.0. Ouch!

This week's goals:

This week's goal is simple - to get back on track. It's a new week and a new start. I'm not making any weight loss goals, because I'm not sure how much of the weight gain is water, hormones, fat, etc. I'm simply going to do the best I can and see where it takes me.

The one thing I am going to work on is my intake of candy/sweets. That was the death of me last week. Wish me luck!!

Therapeutic

2010-09-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Wow. Though last night's post was slightly depressing and somewhat disturbing, I was surprised how therapeutic it was. I awoke this morning a completely different person. It's as if, by writing my feelings from last week down, I transferred them from me, through the pen, to a piece of paper. No longer do I feel the weight of them pressing down on me. I've been able to leave those feelings behind and feel like a completely different person - energized and determined. I have high hopes that this week will be a different sort of week.

Mess

2010-09-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted as much this week as I had originally promised. I feel as though my promises are beginning to mean little on this blog as I fail to live up to them often. I hope that this does not mirror the person I am in life,but reflect only the busy schedule of a mother of five. However, I am sure that I fail there at times as well, but I digress.

No, I haven't posted as much as I would have liked, but it's not from lack of trying. I have actually started many posts over the last week, but my emotions have been such a mess that before I can finish one post, a new emotion sets in declaring the previous obsolete. In the end, I decided to give a sampling of a few of them so that you may know what my week was like.

Before you read on, however, I will warn you. These are not the spirit lifting, inspirational posts one might have come to expect from this blog, or blogs like this. I said I would be honest when I started this blog, so here is what the emotions of one of my worst/hardest eating weeks looked like.

Post 1 - Anger

*Status: Conceptualized in mind
* Reason never published:
1. Didn't want to cause offense to anyone
2. I started succumbing to very poor eating habits. I believe in practicing what you preach.
* Concept: To express my hurt and anger at a loved one who's unhealthy lifestyle is leading him/her on a sure path to early death and how he/she doesn't seem to care.

Post 2 - Honesty

* Status: Almost finished
* Reason not published: Emotion faded and post felt obsolete
* Post:

You want honest? OK. I said I'd be honest when I started this blog, so here it is. I'm depressed. I'm depressed, exhausted and angry. Even worse - I know why and I haven't done a thing about it.

Sure, part of the problem is that I haven't been able to renew my thyroid medication. My hypothyroidism wreaks havoc on my emotions and my energy level, but the biggest problem is my horrible eating habits. A case in point was my eating yesterday (Wednesday). I had leftover Chinese for lunch (which means I had it for dinner the previous night as well), pot roast for dinner and about a ton of licorice in between. Oh, and lets not forget the cherry turnover I ended the day with. Could I have been any worse?

This morning I was so angry with myself. I was watching myself do shoulder presses in the mirror and all I could see was the inner tube of fat that still rings my stomach. I've been working out for 8 months straight and all I've lost is 17-20 pounds, depending on the week, and I know it's because I can't get my act in gear and eat correctly ALL THE TIME! If I had been better, I could have lost at least twice that much. I know that the excess calories are negating all the work I'm putting in at the gym, but I just can't seem to stop....

Post 3 - Contemplating Bulimia

* Status: Conceptualized in mind
* Reason not published: Time
* Concept: The other day I was upset with myself for binging. I wanted so badly to rid my system of the harm I had done. At one point the thought of sticking a finger down my throat - just once - crossed my mind.

Don't worry. Though tempting, I never did it. I know that by just doing it once, I would start myself down a path that would be nearly impossible to make it back up. It's a fight much more difficult than the one I'm fighting now, which is hard enough as it is. However, for the first time I was able to understand and even empathize with a bulimic. The fight against overeating is so difficult that I could easily see how one would go for that quick fix - vomiting - to erase the sin of too much food.

It's so tempting... but SO not worth it!

Conclusion of the week: I'm struggling. It's obvious. I suppose it's natural to have relapses into unhealthy living. However, I'm not giving up hope. I'm doing A LOT of praying. I'm hoping that with Heavenly Father's help I can turn these feelings around and make progress again.

Monday Morning Stats - Made It Through the First Week of School!

2010-09-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

It's a holiday weekend, so I'm just going to be brief. Here's a look at last week:

Last Week's Goals:
* Made it to the gym 4 of the 5 days at 5 am. I didn't go one day due to lack of sleep, but I still exercised, so I'm still counting it!
* Calorie counting didn't happen this week, but I did do better at watching what I ate.
* Lost one of the two pounds I gained back. That leaves me at 136.0.
* Didn't get a chance to update my blog or post as often as I'd like. Things kind of got busy and I ended up with a crazy amount of stuff I needed to do.

This Week's Goals:
* Exercise - Step it up a little. I didn't exercise today. I used the 3 day weekend as an excuse to be lazy. However, I will not let the early hour beat me. I'm going to get enough sleep and push myself even though I no longer have the luxury of exercising with friends.
* Calorie Counting - DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
* Sleep - One of my problems last week was getting to bed on time. This week it's lights out at 10 pm.
* Blog - I really need to get back into the swing of things, update my blog and get re-involved in blogging communities.

On the whole - for a crazy first week of school - I don't think I did too badly, but there is definitely room for improvement. Here's to a better week this week!

What a Difference a Friend Makes

2010-09-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

This week has been kind of weird at the gym. For the past 7 months, I've been going to the gym at the same time a couple of girls from church are there. Though we don't officially workout together, we often ended up running, crunching and bench pressing together. However, due to my new schedule, I've been going at a time when there isn't anyone there I know doing the same thing I am doing ... and I miss it.

Now, I knew that going when there were friends there was more fun, but I never really realized how much having them there affects my exercise. The girls I used to run with are in far better shape than I am, so though I am not able to keep up with them, just them being there pushes me to run harder. Seeing them gives me a goal to work towards.

This week has been more difficult. I no longer have someone there pushing me. I have to do it on my own and am very tempted to be "lazy" about my runs.

On the up side, however, I have had two people come up to me this week and tell me how good I'm looking. That's motivation to keep going in and of itself. I've come too far to let my laziness get the better of me now.

So, 5 am, I've got your number. I will not let you beat me. Despite the desire to sleep in, I will prevail. I will learn to push myself harder, even when I am alone and just want to quit and go back to bed. I may not be making progress as quickly as I'd like, but at least I'm making progress and that's what matters.

I sure do miss my friends though....

Monday Morning Stats - A New School Year

2010-08-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today marks the start of a new school year, which, consequently, brought several new things with it. My worries and emotions have been slightly higher than normal as my oldest baby started middle school today and my third baby, first grade. I must admit that I spent quite a bit of my now extraordinarily quiet day worrying about how my daughter would handle getting to and from school, and changing classes - I remember my nervousness when I started to middle school - and whether my son, who had a difficult year last year, would be able to handle being in school for a full day. Thankfully, they both seemed to make it through the day without incident. I suppose I'm just a worry wart.

The new school year also brought something a little less pleasant - an earlier start. I thought 5:30 am was early, but 5:00 am is exhausting! With my oldest's earlier school schedule, I have to be up extra early to make sure I'm back from the gym in time to get her out the door for school. Let me tell ya, I haven't been up this early since I had early morning seminary in high school. 13 years has definitely changed how well I handle it!

So, on with the results:

At some point this summer, I finally hit my first 20 pound goal that I've been working on since January. However, summer also brought trips, illness and a relaxed schedule that broke some good habits - including my blogging and calorie counting - for a short time. These, along with a late night reading of "Mockingjay," also kept me from the gym for over a week. As a result, I've gained two pounds back, putting me at 237.0 pounds as of this morning.

This week's goals:

* To re-establish good habits - daily gym attendance and calorie counting are a must.
* To lose what I've gained back.
* To start blogging on a more regular basis again. I really would like to do more research on a healthy lifestyle and share my findings with you.
* To update my blog's look. Apparently my background has expired, hence the tag in the middle of the page. I guess it's time for a change.

I think that's a pretty good list for now, don't you?

Terrible

2010-08-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have been very terrible at writing of late. For this I am sorry. I feel as though I was making friends - a support group and sounding board - on this big world wide web and have now dropped the ball. Blame the summer. Blame the priorities. The outcome is the same. I need to start again.

For now, though, I must admit that this probably won't happen for a couple of weeks. My schedule is awry do to the time of year. My kids are out of school and they and my home are of my first priority. However, I am still here and I am still working to better myself. It has just not been as forefront in my mind as it has been in the past. I guess you could say I've gotten into the habit and am less focused on it and more focused on bettering myself in other areas.

Having said that, there is room for improvement and I plan to revisit my little experiment once the demands of summer have ceased. To prove my sincerity, I am still weighing in weekly. Last week I lost 1.2 pounds - putting me in the 230s for the first time in at least 5 years. With each melting pound, I feel more hope for the future.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and holding to your goals with all your strength. Remember that you are worth the effort.

- Samantha

Monday Morning Stats - Plateau Oh-VER

2010-08-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

What a crazy time! We've had so much going on with the end of the school year and other obligations that I just have had to let this blog go for a while. Hopefully I'm back and ready to boogie though.

I have to be honest, since my last post I haven't been as strict as I'd like, but I've been better that I was. I'd definitely say that my change in routine and overall reduction in calories has broken my plateau. YAY!!! Though I've gone up and down, I've mainly gone down in weight AND inches. So here are my current stats and total reductions since January 21st.

* Weight - 240.0 = 15.5 pounds lost
* Waist - 40 inches = 9 inches lost
* Hips - 52 inches = 6 inches lost
* Chest - 44 inches = 4 inches lost
* Thigh - 30 inches = 3 inches lost
* Total inches lost - 22 inches

Boy, when you think about it, 15.5 pounds in 6.5 months is really slow moving. I know some of that is due to muscle gain, but I also know that some is due to poor food choices. I also hit a plateau for about a month. Thankfully the change in workout routine has helped and I'm on my way down again. Maybe the next 6.5 months will be more successful.

There is good news though!! Only 15 more pounds to lose before I get my new heels (and hopefully some clothes that actually fit). That's down 5 pounds since I made my goal to lose 20 more pounds three weeks ago!!

Goal for the week:

I really need to focus more on my calories. My goal is to stay right around 1600 calories each day for the entire week.

Monday Morning Stats on Tuesday - Rejuvenated

2010-07-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's the start of a new week and I'm pumped. I've started my new regimen and it feels great! As of yesterday I weighed 244.2, so I lost 1.2 pounds last week. Yesterday I actually stayed under my allotted calories and I started doing fewer reps and more sets of higher weights. My muscles actually feel like they're being worked again. Hopefully this means I'm at the end of my plateau and moving forward.

With my new found zest for a healthy lifestyle, I've made some new long term goals. I'm sticking with my 1600 calorie diet plan and am planning on posting my daily food intake on here, provided I remember. I'm hoping that a little more control will increase my weight loss by quite a bit. My goal is to be down to 225 by October 1. I would really like to be a new person by the holidays.

Now, to keep me motivated, I've added a little incentive. Last Saturday I went shoe shopping with my 10 1/2-year-old daughter and she chose a pair of 3 inch sandally heels. I tried to persuade her to get something slightly younger, but she is definitely 10 going on 16. She wouldn't take no for an answer and I didn't think it was worth the fight. Anyway, I must admit that I slightly resented the fact that she has a pair of heels and I don't. I don't think my daughter's shoes should be higher than my own, SO if I reach my goal, I get my shoes! I know it's materialistic and silly, but I figure by that time I'll need some smaller clothes (the ones I'm wearing are already too big), so I will probably need new shoes to go with them. Makes sense, right?

Seriously, though, this whole not sticking to thing it is over. I've have too many goals to keep dragging my feet. I'm definitely feeling rejuvenated!

Stagnant

2010-07-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I know I haven't been around in a while. Rest assured. I am still here. I am still exercising. I am still reading your blogs. I have just been really busy.

More than that, though, is the fact that I don't feel like I really have anything to share. I feel stagnant - like I'm not making any progress on my journey. Part of it is my own fault. I can't seem to shake my affair with food for good. I admit it. I lack discipline, but this month has been a hard month to try and exercise said discipline. Out of the last four weekends, I spent three traveling. The one I spent at home was the Fourth of July weekend - not an easy time for success.

In addition, though I am still working as hard as I can at the gym, I feel as if I'm not making progress anymore. I am no longer increasing the amount of weight I lift, and don't feel as if I'm getting any stronger. Also, though I have improved slightly, I haven't been able to reach my goal of running 2 miles in under 30 minutes.

Perhaps I need to shake things up a bit. Maybe instead of doing low weight - high repetitions, I should do a couple weeks of high weight - low repetitions. I also think that tomorrow I need to start reporting on what I eat on a daily basis on here so that I am held accountable. What do you think? Any ideas on how to shake things up a bit and feel like I'm moving again?

Diet Pitfalls

2010-07-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone! Hope everyone is well. Yesterday was a good day for me. I finally, FINALLY, not only tracked my calories, but stayed within my caloric limits! Thanks Chris for the advice. I will continue to plan out my calories ahead of time.

So today I wanted to talk a little about diet pitfalls. As you have seen, I have them ALL the time and I have a very hard time recovering from them. I either feel guilty for falling off the wagon and drown my sorrows in more food (makes no sense - I know) or I just don't have the right "I'm going to beat this thing" attitude. I've found that my attitude affects how I do in EVERYTHING from exercise, to diet, to housework and mothering. I need to work on staying positive and upbeat to succeed.

Anyway, fate - trying to get the message across that I need to examine why I'm failing at eating correctly - threw this article in my path:

Four Reasons Diets Fail

I've failed from all four reasons from time to time, but #1 and #4 are my achilles heal right now. Have you ever found yourself having any of these trouble? How have you overcome them?

Monday Morning Stats

2010-07-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a fun and wonderful 4th of July weekend. Ours was jammed packed with family fun and horrendously bad-for-you food. That's the way it's supposed to be, right?

Regardless, the festivities are over and it's time to get back to the grind with renewed vigor, so with no further ado, here's what went down last week:

Last Week's Goals:

* I only had one goal last week, and that was to eat only 1600 calories a day. Unfortunately, I didn't start counting until Friday, and due to unforeseen circumstances, that day didn't go so well. That being said, I'm not going to even touch my weekend.
* At my last weigh-in I weighed 245.8. Today's was 244.2. I lost 1.6 pounds of the 3 I gained back. I'm on my way back down!!

This Week's Goals:

* Calorie Counting - So, you may already noticed, but I'm TERRIBLE at this. However, I'm also sick of failing at it and feeling sick because I've eating poorly, so I've started counting a little differently. At the suggestion of my brother, I've preplanned my meals and snacks for the day. All I have to do to stay under is stick to what I've planned. So far, so good. I'll let you know next week how I do.
* Exercise - Admittedly I've been kind of lazy in my workouts the last week or so. I've gone into the movie theater at the gym of few times, and I don't get quite as good of a workout when I do because I get caught up in the movie. I think I'll try to avoid that place. However, today's workout was GREAT!!
* Water - I've been noticing that I don't drink much during the day other than when I workout. I really need to add more water into my diet, especially as I live in the desert.

Heartbroken Workout

2010-07-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

This morning, like most mornings, I headed to the gym near my home. The sun rising in the east, I felt the drive and anticipation of yet another workout to conquer. Last night's body combat class had been a great workout and, though my knees were sore from a little overuse, I looked forward to the joy working hard can bring.

Often, when driving, I play with a special piece of jewelry that sits on my left hand. Re-sized a couple years ago so that I could wear it again after several years of gaining too much weight, it has loosened a bit over the last several months and twists easily. Yet, this morning, as I brushed my middle finger against my ring finger, I did not feel the familiar smooth band that led to a small, but beautiful diamond. Looking down I noticed that the spot where my wedding ring rightly sat had been vacated and a pale ring of skin had taken its place.

Disturbed, but not too worried, I continued on my way. I figured it had probably fallen off sometime during the middle of the night and that I would look for it when I got home. Then, I tried to push the thoughts from my head and concentrate on the task at hand.

The plan worked fairly well at first. I hopped on the bike and started in on my normal Thursday routine. However, about 16 minutes into my workout a memory flooded into my mind. Last night, during the body combat class, the instructor had held up a ring, asking if it was someone's in the class. When no one responded, she carelessly tossed the ring behind her and continued on with the class.

Mortified that the ring had probably been mine, all hope of continuing on ceased. I immediately picked up and headed to the front desk to see if the ring had been turned in. The girl at the front desk, realizing that it was actually two rings - my engagement and wedding rings - started to freak out almost as much as I did and help search both the front desk and the room the in which class was held. No luck.

Unsuccessful, the girl up front took my name and number, explaining that, being a wedding ring, it was most likely in the vault, but the manager wouldn't be in until 8:00 am and he was the only one with access to the key. Disappointed, I headed back to the cardio equipment and finished out my time on the bike.

Next was the weights. I was determined to put my grief behind me and finish out my workout. What else could I do? I would just have to wait and see. However, my heart and mind just weren't into it, so I finished on the bench and left.

Once in the car, I quickly thought back to that day 12 years ago when the ring had been placed on my finger. It is small, but it is elegant and beautiful; and it is mine - a constant symbol of the love that my husband and I share. Then my mind quickly ran over the last 12 years - the trials and the joys we have experienced - and I burst into tears. I was heartbroken. I was sure I'd never see the ring again.

When I reached the house, I entered sobbing and quickly went to tell my husband what had transpired. Unable to speak, I simply held up my hand and showed him the white band on my finger. Being the wonderful husband he is, he calmed me and asked if it had become loose. I told him it had, but I didn't think it was THAT loose. He nodded, not showing much concern, and we continued on with our day.

Thankfully, my story has a happy ending. Without knowing the others' intent, my husband and I had both prayed to find my ring and both had the impression to look behind our bed once the baby awoke. The wait was torture, but finally, as I was cooking breakfast, we heard his cries and my husband went up to get the baby and look for my rings. Over the baby monitor I heard, "Here's one ring." Then, after a few minutes of searching, "And here's the other."

My heart soared. Coming downstairs, my husband positioned the rings together and placed them on my finger where they belonged.

And, though they were not lost at the gym, I don't think I'll be wearing my rings to the body combat class again. If they're loose enough to fall off my finger in bed, then they're loose enough to fly off while I'm throwing punches. I don't want my ring to be the next one the instructor throws behind her without a second glance.

Reminder

2010-06-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

After a couple of really bad weeks, I figured I needed a reminder of why I am trying to change. So, why am I trying to learn a healthier lifestyle? Here's the list I came up with. Perhaps you can add to it.

I have 5 Children:
* My husband and I have many years of child raising ahead of us. I would really like to see them grow up and have children of their own.
* I would like to be able to have he energy to actively play with my children.
* I need to stop the pattern of obesity in my family before my children carry it on. I need to teach them a healthier lifestyle.

I have a Husband:
* A healthier looking body helps keep the romance alive. I want to look good for my hubby.
* A healthier body is a body that is more capable of keeping up with my part of our responsibilities.

For Myself:
* I want to feel good physically - have more energy and feel like my body is working properly.
* Cancer seems to hit every generation of my family - right down to the generation above me. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Though being healthy doesn't mean that I won't get it, my chances lower dramatically.
* This may seem vain, but I want to look good. I want to be someone who fits in the whatever clothes she wants to wear.
* Taking care of myself is loving myself and who I am. I want a better self-image and higher self-esteem.

Future Family:
* My husband and I plan on having one more baby at some point. My pregnancies are rather difficult. I'm hoping that a healthier body will help not only with how I feel, but help keep me from losing the baby. (I know I have a lot of kids, but I've had problems having the last couple of kids.)
* I really would like to have one pregnancy where I'm cute-pregnant and not look like an elephant. (OK, I was cuter with number one, but I'd like to be cute again.)

I'm pretty sure there have been other reasons, but I can't remember them right now. I'll add them as I think of them. I also think I'll print this out and put it on my fridge as a constant reminder of why I am doing this.

Now, I've been really hesitant to put any major weight loss goals on here. I've been a bit scared of not being able to meet those goals, then getting down when I've worked my butt off and not reached them. However, what has really happened is a half-hearted attempt at losing weight. That being said, I'm making my goals now.

1. I will lose 15-20 pounds by Labor Day.

2. By next summer, I will have a Trashy Diva dress (see below) in my closet that fits. My aunt has her own store, Lucille Elaine, in Utah that is just awesome. I would really like to be able to wear stuff from it.

I'm sure this exact dress will no longer be around by next summer, but you get the picture.

Monday Morning Stats - Slackin'

2010-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

Disgusted. That's what I am right now. Disgusted. I've been on my little journey since January and I've lost next to nothing. Sure, I had lost at least 12 pounds at one point, but over the last two weeks, when I should have been upping my game, I've been slacking instead. As I've let my old habits creep back in, I've seen my weight steadily rise. After a record breaking HORRIBLE weekend, I have now gained back a total of 3.6 pounds. Something's got to change.

What's worse, though, is that no matter how much better I know I feel when I eat properly, I don't even feel like trying to do better. I know I have to. I can't go backwards any farther, but I'm struggling to find the desire to take proper care of my body.

So, what does this mean? It means that I'm just going to have to do the things that I don't want to do. I tell my children constantly that we all have things we don't want to do, but we have to do them anyway. Eating right is just going to have to be one of them. It's the next step I need to take now that exercise is a habit. It's what I need to do to actually reach my goal. No more excuses.

Having said that, here's a look at my current stats:

* Weight - 245.8
* Exercise - done habitually 5 times a week
* Calories - horribly high

My goal for the week:

I have only one goal this week and that is to eat only 1600 calories a day. Wish me luck.

Why?

2010-06-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in all our journeys - no matter the journey - when we must ask ourselves why? Why am I like this? Why do I exhibit this behavior? Why is it so difficult to be the kind of person I want to be?

The answers vary. Sometimes we are shaped by difficult trials we've encountered in our lives. Sometimes a series of bad choices have led us to where we are. Sometimes it's a combination of things and we don't realize the path we are on until it is too late.

Over the last several years I have pondered my whys frequently. Why am I overweight? Why are my eating habits so bad? Why do I have to be stuck with THIS trial? I'm shy enough as it is. Why do I have to add a weight problem to make it worse? However, it wasn't until the last several months that I allowed myself to explore the questions in depth to get to the bottom of the answers.

This is why I am writing tonight. I would like to share my whys with you. What I found was that my answers actually consist of many reasons, adding up to one big problem. Some of you may identify, some may not, but remember that however small my reasons may seem, they are my reasons and are real to me. Let's start with the first question, shall we?

Why am I overweight?

As easy as the answer may seem for this question, it wasn't an easy question to face - at least not honestly. I've blamed many things for my current situation. My first excuse - because that's all they were, excuses - was pregnancy. My first pregnancy wasn't easy. I was so sick that I lost at least 15 pounds in the first 5 months. When I was able to eat again, I started packing on the pounds, so I blamed my weight gain on my body going into starvation mode. This pregnancy was followed by 7 more (not all of them making it). With each pregnancy I gained a little more.

My next excuses were genetics and health issues. All my family is overweight, so I'm doomed to be overweight as well. Then, I found out I had borderline hypothyroidism. That must be the problem - my body doesn't work right.

However, once I opened myself up to the truth, I found that I had been in denial for the last 11 years. My weight problem was not forced on me by circumstance. Though all these things may, at some point, have played a small role in my problem, the real problem is me. My decisions have brought me to this point. Sure, my body may have gone into starvation mode during my first pregnancy, but did I really need to eat a packet of donettes every day once I was eating again? Had I made better choices and consciously lived a healthier lifestyle, I may not be battling my weight right now.

Why are my eating habits so bad?

Ooh. This one's a tricky one, and not one that I'm sure I've gotten completely to the bottom of, but I have done some serious pondering on it and have come up with two major reasons for why I make such terrible decisions.

1. Lack of education - Until recently, I didn't know exactly what it meant to eat healthily. Growing up, I didn't need to watch what I ate. I was active and that kept me healthy. However, once I was married and was home with children, my old eating habits and new, less active lifestyle took over and I started to put the weight on. Sure, I tried the diets that "new research" had put out as the best way to lose weight and be healthy, but nothing stuck or even felt right. My goal was - and is - to live the Word of Wisdom, but I was unsure exactly how to do it. It took a recession and having to live off food storage and garden produce for me to get started down the right path of eating the right foods, yet I still don't consider my education complete. It is a work in progress - and one I hope to share with you.

2. Eating disorders - Most people think of eating disorders as being something that makes you unhealthily skinny, but there are actually two disorders that lead to obesity - compulsive overeating and binge eating. I actually think I have a slight combination of the two. Like compulsive eater, I eat my emotions away - grazing throughout the day, my calories adding up until I go. I'm also prone to binge eating - eating large amounts of food I really like at meals.

When looking at how my problem developed, I can't really pinpoint when my enjoyment of food turned into a problem. However, I can pinpoint the first time I ever remember using food as a release. I was living with my husband and 2-year-old daughter in a duplex in Provo, UT. I had had rough day and I jokingly commented my neighbor that I "needed chocolate," but didn't have any. She, being the sweet neighbor she was, brought over an ice cream sundae, which I promptly devoured, the stress slipping away with each bite. I think my eating problems slowly developed from there.

Why did I have to be stuck with THIS trial?

We all have trials in this life - some big, some small, but each tailored to fit each of us. They are to strengthen us and, sometimes, to strengthen those around us. Our Heavenly Father knows each of us individually and knows the lessons we need to learn in order to become like him.

I don't have all the answers as to why I have this trial. I have not reached the end of my journey and seen its effects. I do know that it is helping grow closer to my Father in Heaven and I do know that it's teaching me more about my weaknesses - including personality flaws - than I could have ever thought possible from such a trial. I doubt that I will impact anyone or motivate anyone to look at their trials differently, but I know that I am becoming a better person from it.

I'm shy enough as it is. Why do I have to add a weight problem to make it worse?

I have always been shy. I really don't know that my weight makes that much of a difference. However, it does add to my insecurities. I expect that my self-esteem will grow as I improve in my habits, health and appearance, but I will still have some shyness to over come. Again, it is to strengthen me.

Not So Monday Morning Stats

2010-06-21T11:09:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone!

I'm in California on vacation, so I'm not even going to try to do my stats this morning for the following reasons:

1. You all know what my week was like last week. Monday wasn't my only rough day.
2. Vacation food.
3. My ankles look like an elephant's ankles.
4. I don't have MY scale.

Anyway, what I can tell you is that I'm having a wonderful time with family doing activities which have shown me just how much my hard work is paying off. Here's a quick overview:

1. We went to Little Corona del Mar on Saturday (a little beach). I got the job of carrying the 25 pound baby up and down a ginormous, steep hill in a snugglie (baby back pack). Had I attempted to do this 5 months ago, I would have made it, but I would have struggled enormously, or possibly passed baby off to my hubby. Thanks to my uphill treadmill intervals, the hill was still steep, but not a problem. I even had some energy left when it was over and absolutely no sore muscles.
2. Though I haven't gotten my eating habits perfected yet, I know now that I am changing a little. I'm going to have a gut ache for the next couple of days from eating better than I used to on vacation.
3. I found a new product I SO want to get and conquer. It's called an ab roller (or ab wheel). I was only able to go down slowly - with no chance of being able to get back up again - four times and my abs are far sorer than they have ever been after a 10-15 minute ab workout. It feels great!
4. I beat my fairly in-shape 24-year-old brother-in-law in arm wrestling... again. That feels even better than the ab roller! I'm still the champ - well, at least right handed anyway. Video to come later - if you're interested.

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Monday. I will post tomorrow with the stats I should be posting today. I don't expect them to be wonderful, but I'm feeling much better this week thanks to a much needed break. It's perfect conditions for a new start.

One New Thing Brings On Another

2010-06-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

There is a class at the gym that I've been wanting to try for a long time, but I'd been hesitant because I was unsure what I was going to encounter when I got there. Would it be all buff guys? Would my knee be able to handle it? Would I look like an idiot trying to do it when I'm so overweight?

Thankfully, with a little encouragement of one friend and the accompaniment of another, I finally made it to "Body Combat" last Wednesday. Yep, I basically kicked and threw punches for an hour; and I had a blast. However, what the schedule doesn't tell you is that this class is meant to kill you slowly through torture.

OK, not really, but it was much harder than I expected. I mean, I've done Tae bo, but this was Tae bo on steroids and it lasts 3 times as long as my video. Plus, the instructor yells at you when you look like you're about to quit (which I almost did when the push ups dragged on for 3-5 minutes). I always wondered what it would be like to work out with Jillian on the "Biggest Loser." I think I got a look at what it might feel like to have her as trainer.

Anyway, remember this post: Pain? Well, about 15 minutes into the workout my calves cramped up and didn't let loose until long after the class was over - really not a big deal. I've dealt with cramps since I started running and I've kinda gotten used to my calves always being tight or cramping over the last several weeks.

What I didn't expect came long after my workout, when I was trying to go to bed. Not long after I laid down, my shin began to throb painfully. It was a sensation that I'd never felt before - not in all my years of P.E., figure skating and dance as a teenager. Unsure of what it was, but convinced it was due to overuse (I ran that morning as well.), I went to internet for answers.

Shin Splints!

Apparently they can occur both during AND after exercise. It's caused by the muscle pulling away from the shin bone. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do except try not to over do it. Here's some things I found on WebMD that might help for minor shin splints:

Prevention:
* Use shoes with good support.
* Stretch and warm up before every exercise.
* Stop exercise as soon as you feel pain.
* Don't exercise or play on hard surfaces such as concrete.

Relief:
* Apply ice 3 times a day until pain is gone.
* Use anti-inflammatory pain killers such as ibprofen.

There may be serious problems if you are experiencing shin splints for no apparent reason or if they are severe. Seek medical attention.

On a related note, I found this article in relation to cramps: Pickle Juice. My cramps are getting bad enough that I'm actually debating trying this nasty preventative measure. Anyone wanna test this theory with me?

Difficult Detox

2010-06-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

So, after my emotional eating on Monday and my 4-year-old's birthday party last night, I've eaten more sugar this week than I'd care to admit. Feeling horrible last night, I committed myself to not eat any sugar today in order to try and get everything out of my system. Little did I know the challenge would prove difficult. To get an idea of what I'm trying to resist, I created a list. Take a look:

* lemon bars - leftover from the funeral I made them for.
* chocolate cake - leftover from my son's birthday
* rocky road ice cream - left over from my son's birthday
* chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream - left over from my son's birthday (He like chocolate. Can you tell?)
* peanut butter cookie dough - leftover from FHE on Monday
* butterscotch cookies - made especially by my grandma for me because they're my favorite. (Isn't she just the best?)

Can you see the difficulty? It's not always like this - today is just especially bad, but there is usually some treat from something in my house.

So, here's what I plan to do:

* lemon bars - I pawned some off on the ladies serving at the funeral. I think I'll pawn the rest off on my neighbor.
* chocolate cake - I hope my kids eat a good portion of this while I'm at the gym for the second time today. (I'm gonna go take the body combat class tonight. I'm so excited!)
* both ice creams - Can we say FHE treat next week?
* peanut cookie dough - Not really a temptation. No plans.
* butterscotch cookies - I shared one with each of my kids. I'm keeping the rest, but I'm only having 1 (maybe 2, if I've had an especially good day) each night for dessert. Of course, this will have to wait until tomorrow.

I WILL NOT EAT SUGAR TODAY! I WILL NOT EAT SUGAR TODAY! I WILL NOT EAT SUGAR TODAY!

Slipped

2010-06-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today was rough. Life's stresses got to me today and I slipped. When faced with a difficult reality, I turned once again to food.

I don't know why I react this way or why I can't find another way to deal with difficult times. I suppose I can pat myself on the back and say, "At least it's not happening as often. It's down to once every month or two instead of daily," but as true as that may be, it is not reassuring. The bottom line is that I let myself down.

This is why I went so long without sugar - to get over this problem, but though I am better, I am not cured. And, though I feel it will be better tomorrow - that I will be able to pick myself up and move on towards my goal, I fear this behavior with every fiber of my being. I can't keep doing this, no matter how little I do it, for I fear there will come a time that I fall and can't pick myself up. I have developed a fear of failure. I never want to end up the way I was before I committed myself to my journey.

Having said all this, I guess I'm turning to you - my friends - for input. How do you face life's stresses? What do you do to relieve yourself of a bad day? Where does your comfort come from?

Wow. It just hit me. The answer is so simple. I need to turn once again to the Lord.

Monday Morning Stats

2010-06-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! It's a new week and I'm ready to go! Last week I learned some new things that will hopefully help me to do better (things you probably already know) that I would like to just share with you. After all, I'm just learning and every new little discovery is advancement on my journey, but first, here's my week:

Last Week's Goals:

* Weight loss - As of Friday last week, I had lost 1/2 a pound. However, as of this morning I gained 3 back. I'm not too worried, though. I can see a pattern. It's one of the things I learned and I'll get to that later.
* Exercise - Yay! Yay! Yay! I can at least say I've got one habit down. I've also had a couple little changes to my exercise that I'm sorta proud of. I've started doing the stair stepper (you know, the one with the actual moving stairs) once a week. Starting ability is 20 stories in 7 minutes. Also, I was able to up my bench pressing weight to 65 pounds!
* Calorie counting - Well, I did better than I ever have before. I made it through about half of the week.

This week's goals:

* Weight loss: Lose all the weight I gained back, plus one pound.
* Exercise: Keep up on what I'm doing and maybe add a 1 hour class once a week. I really want to start taking Body Combat, but don't know if I have the guts to walk into a class with a bunch of buff guys in it. We'll see.
* Calorie counting - Count all week, except this weekend. (I'm going out of town.)

What I learned about myself (if you're male, you may want to stop here, unless you want some TMI):

* Just "watching what I eat" doesn't cut it. I would like to be under 1700 calories a day. Even watching my fat, sugar and portion sizes, I easily hit 1800-1900 calories a day. This is probably why I'm not seeing the pounds come off as quickly as I'd like. I didn't really want to have to count calories because it's a pain, but it looks as if I'm going to have to.
* I bloat. I've noticed that either right before or during my womanly, I gain about 3 pounds. I knew it was normal to retain water before your period, but not during. Also, I thought 3 pounds was excessive. Looking online, I found that some women gain 5-10 pounds and can't fit into their clothes every cycle. Also, the time varies. Some do it right before, others two weeks before and some during their period. Every woman is different. My advice, if you see gain, watch for signs of a repeat before you get discouraged. It could just be the natural course your body takes.

Science Fair

2010-06-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm really not planning on being an absentee blogger forever. I really do have blogs planned and in progress, but I feel like a flake, so I'm writing to let you know that I'm here. I'm around. However, I'm exhausted. It is science fair week, and for those who haven't had kids old enough to do a science fair project yet, it is basically a project for the parents. Though my kid did it mainly on her own, the writing of the report and making of the project board required quite a bit of time. Be expecting, however, to hear from me soon. I'm doing a little introspection. Hopefully it won't be too embarrassing. ;-P

Monday Morning Stats

2010-06-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have to confess something - I've had a really difficult time getting back into the swing of things. My sugar experiment has all but failed, I only went to the gym twice last week and I'm a failure at counting calories. Hopefully any and all illness is over for our family for awhile so that things can get back to normal. That being said, here's a brief look at last week:

* Sugar intake - Yeah, I've started eating it again. However, I'm not gorging myself on it like I used to. The experiment was to teach me some control and -fingers crossed - I think I've learned it. That doesn't mean that I NEVER eat too much sugar. It just means I don't do it on a very often.

* Weight loss - Despite it all, I lost 1 pound.

* Calorie counting - Like I said, didn't happen.

* Gym - was sick or had sick baby all but 1 day last week, so I only went once Monday-Friday. However, I did take time on Saturday to go.

This week's goals:

* Sugar intake - I'm changing it to one small serving of some small treat allowed daily. I'm not going to have it daily, but I'm not going to freak if I "slip" either. As long as I'm staying within my allowable calorie intake, I don't see how an occasional treat can hurt.

* Weight loss - Keeping it at a pound, but trying for 2.

* Calorie counting - Full steam ahead on this one and doing well... at least so far. Hopefully I'll have a good idea of what I have been eating and what I should be eating by next Monday.

* Gym - Everyday Monday through Friday, like usual.

Well, there ya have it! Kinda a bland week, huh? I do have one question for ya, though. I've put all my information into my calorie counting program and it says I'm allowed 1800-2000 calories a day. This seems like a lot to lose 2 pounds a week. Does it sound that way to you too? Or is it that high because of the workouts?

Feeling Good

2010-06-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

True to my word, I hit the gym this morning and I hit it hard. I can't tell you how good it felt. Yes, I had to lower my weights because of how long I was gone. And, yes, I almost lost last nights dinner, but boy it felt good. Perhaps I'm slightly deranged, but I'm finding that I get pleasure from the torture I inflict at myself at the gym.

One such example would be the treadmill. Let me start out by saying that I have ALWAYS hated running. From the time I was in junior high until the near present, running has been the bane of my existence.

However, after several years of not being able to run and a couple months of pushing myself, I find the treadmill exhilarating. I love it! I may not be able to run a 10 minute mile yet, but who cares? Running feels strong - it feels healthy and the better I do, the more I love it. My motto is, "If I'm not light headed by the time I get off, then I didn't push myself hard enough."

OK, for those who may worry about me pushing too hard, I guess I should elaborate. I keep my pulse within the limits set for my age. For some reason, I just seem to float when I get off the treadmill. My guess is less oxygen.

Anyway, I know I'm just rambling, so I'll cut this short. This morning I was pretty proud of how I did, so I wanted to set a new exercise goal. I would like to be able to do 2 miles in the 30 minutes I am interval training on the treadmill. I'm not far from it - only need to be able to get in .13 miles more. What do you think, could I reach my goal in the next 4 weeks?

Guilt, Fear and a Lesson Learned

2010-06-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

Like most mornings I woke up this morning with the intent of going to the gym. I hadn't been since my family and I came down with the flu over a week ago. Needless to say, I've been most anxious to get back into the routine of things.

Promptly at 5:30 am I arose and knelt down to pray. Though a little tired from a slightly late night, I felt fine. Then, as I got up after I was finished praying and started gathering my things, I took a deep breath and started coughing.

At that moment I paused for a short debate on whether to suck it up and head to the gym for a light workout or just plop back in bed for one last day of rest. Feeling slightly guilty, I chose the latter. I was out again before my head hit the pillow.

It wasn't until I awoke at 7 am to get the kids ready for school that the full force of guilt from my decision hit me. I knew full well that I should have gone to the gym. Aside from the cough, my voice is really the only other thing affected by whatever it is that I have. There was really no reason I couldn't have endured a slightly less vigorous workout. In truth, I had taken the easy road.

However, though racked with guilt, it wasn't the prevailing emotion of the morning. Spiraling down, my emotions finally rested upon fear - fear that this one bad decision would be the one to cut my journey short, ending not long after it started.

Within minutes I remembered all the times I've tried to lose weight. I could see each tiny road block that ended all my past journeys. Was this the one that was going to end this one?

Looking for some comfort, I stepped on the scale. There was no weight loss during the last two days, but there was no weight gain either. Perhaps my situation wasn't completely hopeless. Providing there has been no muscle loss, I could still pick up where I left off. I couldn't let this one decision determine my fate and quit. Stepping off the scale, I continued on with my day.

I still feel small tinges of guilt here and there, but I mainly feel more determined to start anew tomorrow. Perhaps my little episode was good for me. Aside from being a hard kick to the rear, it drove home an important lesson: one bad decision doesn't make me a failure. I only fail if I give up.

Fad Diets

2010-05-31T15:51:00.001-07:00

It is no surprise that as studies and research about our bodies continue we have ever-changing information about what is healthy and how to take care of our bodies. It is only logical that changes in what we know bring changes in what we do. However, being one that believes purely in hard work and control, what I find interesting are the unhealthy and sometimes unnatural fads that seem to fade in and out of existence every few years based on some of this research. You all know what I'm talking about. I don't need to name any and start any debates.

Anyway, the other day my mom sent me a link to a diet I've never heard of - though I must admit they use the term "diet" loosely. It's called the Chocolate Milk Diet and it's based on the idea that drinking 1 cup of chocolate milk at 3 key points in your day will actually help you reduce your belly fat. They're not doing this instead of eating healthily and exercise, but in addition to it.

Now, I'm not arguing against any of their points. We all know that calcium, vitamins and a small amount of the right kind of fat is good for us, but I can't help but wonder if regular 1 % milk might not be the better choice. I don't know that all the sugar in those 3 cups of chocolate milk is actually a good thing when you're trying to lose weight.

Here's the link if you're interested: The Chocolate Milk Diet

What do you think? Is this the wave of the future, a fad or just an option to less healthy drink options?

Monday Morning Stats

2010-05-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

Happy three-day-weekend everyone! I hope you're all out having fun.

Well, after a long week, I really don't have a whole lot to post today. I ended up sick, as well as the rest of my family, so there wasn't much I could do this week. Here's a short look at what went down in my goals anyway, though:

* Weight-loss - I loss 1.6 pounds. Actually, due to a wonderful case of the stomach flu, I lost 4.6 and then gained 3 pounds back. Hopefully I'll keep the last 1.6 pounds off and not gain it back this week. We'll see.
* Exercise - I haven't been able to exercise since last Monday, which really stinks. Tuesday and Wednesday I was nurturing my sick baby. Then, on Thursday and Friday, I fell victim to the horrid stomach flu which immediately turned into some kind of bronchial thing that I've had since. I hope to be back at the gym tomorrow morning, well or not. I feel fine other than the fact that I have no voice, huge coughing fits and I can't take really deep breaths when I'm active. Maybe if I just take it easy on the treadmill...
* Calorie Counting - I hope you'll understand when I say I started to do this, but didn't get very far. I can pretty much assure you, however, that I stayed under my calories this week. I didn't eat much of anything, actually.

On a better note, I had one little burst of happiness this week in regards to my weight. I tried on the size 18 skirt I wore to my brother's wedding 5 years ago and it fit! Well, it was a little snug around my hips still, but I got it on! Starting at a size 22, that means I've almost gone down two sizes. I find that highly strange considering I've only lost about 12 pounds total, but I'm just going to stack it up to muscle gain and fat loss. Yay!!

Next week's goals:

Considering I didn't really get to work on my goals last week, this week's goals will be the same as last weeks - 1.5 pounds weight loss and calorie counting. Also, I think everything is getting back to normal, so I hope to have the chance to visit with you all more often.

Until then... have a happy day!

Miss Me???

2010-05-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

If you visit often, you probably have noticed that I haven't been around much the last week and a half. I've already told you my reason for last week, but this week I have a baby boy who has the true blue flu - high fever, congestion, sore throat, runny nose and even vomiting and diarrhea. With sick baby boy needs, the needs of four other children, a husband and a household to run, I haven't had a lot of time to get on the computer and visit with any of you. For that, I am sorry.

Rest assured that during my absence I am doing my utmost to stick to my goals. I am much better prepared this week than last. My only grievance is that I have only been able to exercise once this week because of nights of no sleep, cuddling a baby that won't stop crying.

I hope to return to our cyber world soon. I have lots of ideas for posts to share on my blog and I miss reading what all of you have to say. In the meantime, I hope you are all doing well.

Lots of love,
Samantha

Monday Morning Stats

2010-05-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Last week was rough. I found myself being tossed with the tide and unable to really control anything health wise. However, it's a new week with a new start, goals and expectations. Here's a look at how my week went.

Last Week's Goals:

*Weight loss - Weighed in at 244.8. That's a 2 pound loss from last week and my lowest weigh-in in about 5 years.
*Sugar intake - Wasn't perfect, but not bad either.
*Calorie counting - Like my week allowed me to worry about that one!
*Exercise - I missed one day last week due to baby's illness. No biggie. Also, this morning I decided to test myself on the treadmill despite the fact that my body is fighting something. When I started running on the treadmill a couple months ago, I was only able to run 1 minute intervals at 5 miles per hour before having to walk. (A couple months before that I wasn't even able to run due to my knee injury.) Today I decided to see how long I could run. I was able to go six minutes at 5.1 miles per hour before having to stop and walk. Then, at the end of my cardio workout, I sprinted at 7 miles per hour for 45 seconds and would have kept going, except for the fact that the treadmill was set to go to cool down at that point and I didn't know how to change it. To all you runners out there, this may seem like nothing, but to a woman over 240 pounds who hasn't run in years, it's really a big step. (Of course, when I did the math and realized that I used to run a full mile at what my current sprinting speed is, my bubble deflated just slightly.)
*Measurements (Last taken April 29th) - Waist 42 inches (-1 inch), hips 53 inches (-1.5 inches), thigh 29 inches (-0 inches), chest 44 inches (-1 inch) = 21 total inches lost

This week's goals:

*Weight loss - I hope to lose 1.5 pounds this week.
*Calorie counting - I've signed up for fitday, and my breakfast and exercise are already logged
*Sugar intake - Plan to going back to being more strict with this.
*Fat intake - I'm hoping to get a better look at my fat intake this week with fitday. Hopefully by next week I'll have a good idea of what I'm currently doing and what I want to be doing.
*Exercise - Last week I got to the gym a few minutes late everyday. This week I hope to be there on time so that I can make sure I get at least a full hour of exercise in before stretching.

It seems that every week I say, "Yeah, not such a great week," and I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm disappointed with myself every week because I expect perfection. I don't know, but at my next weigh-in, I hope to say, "What a great week! I lost..." Wish me luck!

Preparation

2010-05-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

I try, most of the time, to look at life positively - to concentrate on what's right rather than what's going wrong. It helps my mood, it helps me to lose weight and it improves my outlook on life, but let's face it. Life can be hard, discouraging, baffling and sometimes downright exhausting. It is in those moments that we are tried. We are pushed to our limits to see what we are made of and if we can stay on course.

Though this week is far from one of those trying weeks that test our strength, life has thrown a bit of a loop at me - nothing serious, just thought provoking. One of the things it threw at me was a double ear infection for my 10-month-old son. The poor guy is just miserable and I feel so bad for him. He was in my arms crying for most of yesterday. However, he is now on antibiotics and doing much better.

The other is a little more difficult to combat. My 5-year-old son has developed a horrid fear of house fires due to a video his teacher showed in his kindergarten class. The poor guy is traumatized and refuses to come into the house in the evenings. When he finally does come in, it's all my husband and I can do to keep him from going into hysterics.

With these two dynamics going on in my house at the same time, I find that I have had little time to think about, let alone fix the healthy meals and snacks that I usually prepare on a daily basis. (Not to mention the fact that I missed a day of exercise.) Though I try to stay on track with my food, I'm having to resort to eating small amounts of the quicker, less healthier stuff. However, I know this week will be over soon and I will be able to get right back on track.

Despite the fact that I would never want my children to go through these things, it was a good reminder of one thing - the need for preparation. I'm not very good at thinking ahead and keeping on top of things. With as many kids as I have, I am constantly struggling to keep up. However, this week has helped me see the benefits in preparing enough healthy food to keep my family and I going for at least a week. Instead of making bread to last 2 days, maybe I invest a little more time and make a week's worth and that goes for the snacks that I prepare every afternoon when the kids get home from school. That way I can enjoy the benefits of eating nutritiously even when life gets in the way. After all, if I can't do it without preparation when there are minor difficulties, how am I going to do it when life throws those more trying circumstances at me?

Monday Morning Stats

2010-05-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought I forgot about my weekly update, huh? (Either that or that I was too ashamed to write it.) Nope. Though I didn't lose any weight (I actually gained .6 pounds), the real reason I didn't get around to this earlier was because I was insanely busy cleaning and pickling beets with my grandma. She graciously consented to come show me what I can do with the beets my husband insisted we grow in our garden.

Anyway, as it has been a long day, I am exhausted so I'm going to make this brief.

* I'm blaming the .6 pound weight gain on female issues. We'll see if this makes sense next week. (Sorry guys.)
* I'm checking out the site www.fitday.com. I hope to use it to keep track of my calories. I had a program on my upstairs computer, but I want something I can use where ever I am.
* Exercise is going well.
* Sugar consumption has improved. I allow myself something small on special occasions and family night.
* Only ate one piece of bread with a small amount of butter on it today. ;-P

Have a great night!

New Arch Enemy

2010-05-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to be able to say that I'm getting a grip on my sugar addiction. I'm not perfect - I still have small moments of weakness, but I'm getting there.

However, on my road of recovery I have found yet another enemy waiting in the wings. It sits, still and smooth, waiting for just the right moment to arise. Then, as the timer begins to count down to zero, it slowly begins to emerge from the shadows. There is no thought - no deliberation. Before I know it, a weapon as evil as any sugar spoon has been loaded with its ammunition. Quickly, it passes over heat and the damage is done.

From that moment on, I am but a slave to that mouth watering substance known to man as butter. There is no escaping it. The choice to make my own bread has cemented butter in my future forever, for nothing is better on homemade, freshly-ground-wheat bread than butter. There is no substitute that compares. No experience so satisfying. Dare I say it? I don't know that I should, but I will - IT IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING SUGARY!!!

No. I must not admit defeat. I must find strength and conquer this foe. If I'm to succeed in my journey a compromise must be found. I don't know what that compromise may be yet, but it must be there waiting to save me from utter destruction somewhere. Perhaps rationing it is the way to go....

Pseudo-name

2010-05-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

If you've been on my site before this post, you may have noticed that I'm going by a different name now. I've decided to go by a pseudo-name for a little extra privacy protection. As such I'd like to ask a super huge favor from all of you. Please, please, PLEASE don't post my real name on this site or any other. Thank you all for reading my site and for your co-operation!

- Samantha

Celebrate the Small Stuff

2010-05-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday night, after the kids are in bed, you will find me in the same place - in front of the TV. It is on those nights that I get a refill on some of my motivation, because it is on those nights that I watch The Biggest Loser religiously.

I wasn't really into it until the last couple of seasons. I always thought that the show set unrealistic expectations for those trying to lose weight. However, now that I've watched it more, I've come to realize that there are invaluable lessons to be learned if you look for them.

One of the things I expected to find were the trainer tips. I look for them every show and take note. However, what I didn't expect to find was the emotional turmoil the contestants go through. The vigorous exercise forces them to look at what got them there in the first place and make the changes needed so they don't get there again. Often times it's not pretty, but it is a necessary step to weight loss.

Last night one of the contestants had a breakdown of sorts. Being a contestant that I don't particularly care for, I watched and secretly hoped that it would affect him enough that he would be sent home. As heartless as it is to admit this, it was short lived because once the reason for his emotional and violent outburst came to light I realized that not only was I able to understand it, but that I also share the same sentiments about myself, though maybe not to the same degree.

I am speaking, of course, of Michael. His situation is heartbreaking. Coming onto the show at over 500 pounds, he has lost the most (over 200 pounds) but still has to lose around 150 lbs to be healthy. His emotions running high, he shared how he was upset due to the fact that everyone else was leaving thin and he was leaving obese. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to see or appreciate the work he had done and the progress he had made.

I couldn't believe what I was watching. How could he not realize how far he'd come? I mean, HE'S 200 POUNDS LIGHTER!!! Then, as I thought about it, I realized I'm doing the same thing. Having lost only 9 pounds in the last 3 1/3 months, I can't see a change in myself either. Often times I get frustrated because I can't see that my hard work is doing anything and I almost say, "What's the point?"

At the close of the show one of my favorite contestants ended up being eliminated after only losing 2 pounds for the week. Though she could have been devastated that she was so close to the finale, she smiled - proud of what she accomplished - and said something I hope to never forget. She said that we need to celebrate the small successes. She may not have lost as much as she'd hoped that week, but she'd still lost weight and she was OK with that.

Taking a leaf out of Sunshine's book, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to celebrate my small successes and be happy about them, because there are changes. They're small, but they're there. I'm sure he big stuff will come later.

Here are what I consider my little triumphs:

* Lost 9 pounds.
* Lost 17.5 inches. (For breakdown, go here.)
* I've begun to conquer the knee I injured 8 years ago and now can use the treadmill and walk up my stairs without pain.
* My hands and feet don't tingle as much as they used to when I exercise.
* I can run up my stairs without getting winded.
* I can do 3 2-minute intervals of running and 2 2-minute intervals at an 8 incline during my 30 minutes on the treadmill.
* I've gone down one dress size.
* I can bench 2 sets of 20 at 60 pounds. (I was also able to do 4 reps at 95 pounds with my husband spotting me. I just had to know if I could lift what he could. ;-P)
* In general, I have more energy.
* I have a better understanding of how to eat healthily. I still have a long way to go on this, but it's a start.
* My mood and anxiety levels have evened out.

What about you? Are you failing to notice the small successes you are making on your goals?

Guilty As Charged

2010-05-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

Me: Judge, I plead guilty to yesterday's third degree illegal sugar consumption. I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel terrible, but I was just having such a rough day and there were things in my fridge that I hadn't had in a really long time. You must understand - they were calling to me and I longed for their comfort. I know there are consequences for my actions, but I suppose I'm hoping that, as this is a first offense, you will show mercy. I SWEAR I will never do it again.

Judge: Just how do you plan to stick to your promise?

Me: Self-control and substitutes.

Judge: Very well, but I want a list of substitutes on my desk by the morning so that I know you are doing all you can to keep your word.

Me: Yes, sir. Thank you!

Proposed List of Substitutes

* Banana with all natural peanut butter and a glass of milk (suggested by Meg)
* Fiber One Bar (suggested by Kim Coates)
* 94% fat free popcorn with a small amount of olive oil (suggested by Kim Coates)
* Apple with all natural peanut butter (one of my favorites)
* Custard (recipe to follow)
* Whole wheat muffins (recipe to follow)

Recipes

Custard

* Slightly beat 3 eggs
* Mix in:
1/4 c sugar
1/8 tsp salt
tsp vanilla
2 1/2 c fat free milk

Pour in ramekin. Sprinkle with nutmeg.

Place dish in 9x13 pan filled with 1 inch water. BAke @350 for 45-55 minutes. Done when knife inserted into middle comes out clean.

Whole Wheat Blueberry Muffins

2 1/2 c whole wheat flour
1 c oats
1 cup splenda
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 1/4 cups milk
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp molasses
1/4 c oil
1/4 c applesauce*
1 c blueberries**

Combine dry ingredients. Stir in wet ingredients until just moistened. Divide evenly between 12 muffins. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean. Remove from pan onto rack and cool.

* If you don't have applesauce, you can substitute another 1/4 c oil.
** For an apple cinnamon version, substitute 1 cup apple pieces for the blueberries and up the cinnamon to 2 tsp.

Monday Morning Stats

2010-05-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! Can we say YUCK??? Last weekend was one of several get-togethers, food and fun. Unfortunately, it meant that I ate horribly... and I'm still feeling slightly sick today from it. To give you an idea of how badly I ate, when I weighed myself Saturday morning, I was 245 lbs. Had I stayed that weight, I would have lost everything I gained back the previous week, plus an additional .6 lbs. This morning I weighed in at 246.2. In two days, I gained 1.2 lbs back.

As bad as my weekend was, it did make me realize how far I've come in my diet. I'm no where near where I'd like to be, but I used to be a lot worse. In fact, what I ate over the weekend was nothing in comparison to my worst holiday weekend. It's eye opening to realize that a lighter meal than what I used to eat now makes me sick.

Last Week's Goals:

* Weight loss - I lost 2 of the lbs I gained back the previous week. Remember my theory for the weight gain I was going to share with you this week for why I gained the previous week? Well, it didn't pan out. I do think that some of the weight gain was due to water retention, however.
* Food Journal - I did it for one day. That counts for something, right?

This Week's Goals:

* Finish losing the weight I gained back.
* Try counting calories for a few days. It was brought to my attention that I may not be doing as well at eating as I think I am, and that I probably ought to count calories for a few days to get a better idea. I plan on downloading a program onto my computer today so that I can start counting tomorrow.

Question of the Week:

What are some good substitutes you have found for the not-so-healthy things you love?

Research

2010-05-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Remember a couple posts back when I said I was researching something? Well, it hasn't really gone as planned, but it's not for lack of trying. I think I'm just looking in the wrong place and it's going to take me a little more time to find a definitive answer. I HAVE come up with enough information for a bit of a hypothesis, however. Perhaps you might have some better information than I have or at least be able to point me in the right direction.

My blogging goal this week was to research and report on the effect exercise has on our mood - more specifically why I'm so cranky on the days that I don't exercise. I know that exercise lifts mood, but I would have thought that my mood would have stayed elevated on the weekends as well. Unfortunately I couldn't find an exact answer. All I could find was that you only need 3 days of vigorous exercise a week to see marked improvement. Here's what I did find on the Mayo Clinic's website though:

* Exercise can actually alleviate anxiety as well as depression. This makes sense considering the two conditions are linked, but I never really thought about it until I read it on the website. Had I been paying attention, I would have recognized the signs for myself. Anxiety is something I've suffered from my entire life. When I thought about my anxiety issues after reading this information, I found that I haven't really been anxious in a long time. I'm glad to find that there was yet another benefit to my exercise.

* Exercise affects mood in many ways:
1. It releases endorphins and neurotransmitters, which are the brains feel-good chemicals.
2. It reduces immune system chemicals.
3. It increases body temperature, which as a calming affect.
4. Meeting exercise goals boosts confidence.
5. It takes the mind off worries.
6. Exercise can be another chance for social interaction.
7. It's a good coping strategy.

* Just about any type of exercise will help. You don't have to go to the gym everyday to see exercise's benefits. However, the more you do and the more vigorous the exercise, the more improvement you will see, yet anything that gets you off the couch will help. Here's some ideas:
1. running
2. weights
3. walking
4. basketball
5. gardening
6. mopping
7. car washing

* You need to do 30 minutes 3-5 times a week to see significant changes. However 10-15 minutes at a time of vigorous activity can help.

The above information told me why my mood was elevated, but left gaping holes as to why I'm down on days I don't exercise. I wondered if it was because my body was becoming addicted to the exercise - if NOT getting my endorphin rush was putting me down. That didn't really fit, though. I don't have the signs of a person addicted to something. Though I need the exercise to help my mood, I still have to force myself to exercise daily.

Still searching, I looked at runner's high. It seemed that there was a lot of conflicting information as to what it is or even if it exists. There seems to be three schools of thought. The first is that the so-called high is caused by an endorphin rush. However, this is highly debated as endorphins don't cross the blood-brain barrier.

Some researchers think that the feeling of accomplishment derived from vigorous exercise is enough for the euphoric feelings. However, the most commonly accepted explanation is the brain's production of dopamine. My brother-in-law, Jared, explained it better than I could in his comment on the my post entitled http://weaknessbecomingstrength.blogspot.com/2010/04/phenomenon.html. Here's a copy of his comment:

The wave of energy occurs when your body switches from burning carbohydrates as its energy form, to burning fat. On the average it takes about 20 minutes of heightened heart-rate for your body to decide "Ok it looks like we're in for the long haul and they aren't stopping, so lets turn on the afterburners."

Fat contains more than twice the energy per gram that carbs or protein does so once your body switches, it gets a serious boost to your energy levels.

The other sweet benefit is your body decides that it is not liking the activity and so it starts pumping you full of neurotransmitters like Dopamine.
Dopamine is produced when you take things like heroine or cocaine, and basically is a chemical reward for your brain and a way of telling your brain, "do this activity again." That is one of the reasons why those drugs are addictive.

That explains why people call it the "runners high," and claim it is addicting. Dopamine also helps in pain reduction and several other exercise-beneficial areas.
So look at it this way, not only did you get in a good workout, you just subconsciously tricked your brain into liking exercise more! High five!

Again, this information explains why the uplifted mood, but not the negative mood when I don't exercise. The only explanation I can come up with is a combination of two factors. The first being, that though I'm not addicted to exercise, my body has gotten used to the daily increase of various brain chemicals. The result? I believe that it is reasonable to assume that my body has "withdrawls" when I don't exercise - that I need those boosts in chemicals to boost my mood and keep me even. Second, would it then be reasonable to say that since I have been known to have anxiety, I have also been more prone to depression than I realized and not exercising could be like not taking my depression medication?

For those interested in learning more about runner's high, here are a few sites you can look at:

Fatty Weight Loss
About.com:Sports Medicine
Science Blogs
Find Articles.com

I know this has been excruciatingly long, I wanted to share one final thing. There have been other small studies to see what other mood disorders can benefit from exercise. According to psycheducation.org, there are a small number of studies that show that exercise MIGHT affect the following:
1. Insomnia
2. Bipolar Disorder

If you've gotten to the end of this post, not only am I impressed by your diligence, but I'm begging for any further information you might have or any direction pointing you can do to prove my hypothesis.

Happy Exercise To You All!

Denial, Truth and The Road Less Traveled.

2010-05-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

It can be so easy to slip into denial. We all do it at some point in our life. Whether it be in regards to a personality flaw, our talents or our health, those moments of denial are bliss. It is in those moments that everything is going right. We are doing well. We are happy. We must beware, though. There is a danger to denial. Eventually we have to open our eyes and stare into the face of blatant, honest-to-goodness truth and that truth can drag us under if we are not strong enough to resist its downward current.

I must admit I was in blissful denial when I went looking for a picture of myself to put on this blog. Though I can never forget that I am overweight, I can easily convince myself that it's not that bad. Feeling the constant soreness in my muscles from my workouts and slightly healthier nutrition can make me believe that I'm well on my way to achieving my goals. I have to admit, however, that I wasn't prepared for what awaited me within the files of my computer - though it really shouldn't have surprised me.

It wasn't the fact that there were few pictures to choose from that surprised me. I'm a master at camera dodging - preferring to take pictures of my beautiful children. No, it was the body in those pictures. It wasn't just overweight - it was morbidly obese. Looking at that body I knew there was no chance of me being well on my way to being healthy. I was just barely scratching the surface and that realization grabbed on and pulled down with all its might.

Words can not explain the wave of depression that rushed over me. At that moment I knew that the goal I am trying to reach is near impossible. I also knew that if I gave up now, I would never reach it.

Sitting at the computer, I saw a fork in the road in front of me. One - the more commonly traveled - was to quit and go back into my blissful denial. It would be easy. That particular road called to me strongly. The other road - the one overgrown and barely traveled - sat depressingly silent. Looking at this road I knew it would be almost impassible. I really didn't want to take it. It meant accepting the truth and moving forward slower than I would like.

Reading this, one might assume that the author made the braver decision and went full steam ahead onto the road less traveled. However, I can not honestly say that is the case. Though I did not take the more familiar road, like I have in times past, I didn't barrel down the other one either. I stepped tentatively onto it, deciding to give it a try. I am unsure as to whether or not I can reach the end. That size 6 may never be mine, but I'm going to try. I'm going to accept the truth and see where a little perseverance can take me. I'm sure there are still many bumps in the road ahead of me. I'm sure there are many changes that still need to be made. I'm even sure that I will come to more forks, but I'm hoping that if I just keep going I will eventually get there.

Numbers

2010-05-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

For those who have read the title and may be worried about what this post may contain, worry no longer. My higher math number crunching is over. This is just a little addition to yesterday's stats. I've finally found my measurements, so I thought I'd drop a quick note and share since I haven't finished researching my next post. I plan on continuing to take measurements about once a month. I have to tell you, these numbers make me feel a lot better than the scale does...

January 21st:

Waist - 49 inches
Hips - 58 inches
Chest - 48 inches
Leg - 33 inches

March 10th:

Waist 45 inches
Hips - 55.5 inches
Chest - 46 inches
Leg - 29 inches

April 29th:

Waist - 43 inches
Hips - 54.5 inches
Chest - 45 inches
Leg - 29 inches

Total Inches Lost:

Waist - 7 inches
Hips - 3.5 inches
Chest - 3 inches
Leg - 4 inches

Grand Total - 17.5 inches!

Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post something slightly more substantial tomorrow.

Monday Morning Stats

2010-05-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Reading this post, one might assume that last week was a complete failure as I really didn't reach any of my goals. However, sometimes I'm finding that I can do nothing different from what I did the week before and not see any results. Take a look:

Last Week's Goals:

*Drink More Water - I think I did better on this one. I suppose I would know if I was keeping better track. I am consciously trying to do better, though.
*Lose 1 pound - Not only did I NOT lose that pound, I gained 2.6 pounds. My weight now stands at 248.2. As disappointing as this is, I really didn't do anything differently last week than I had the week before when I lost 3 pounds. I have a theory as to what happened, but I'm testing it out this week so I won't write about it until next.
*Start Food Journal Again - What can I say? I'm struggling with this one and I don't really know why. It's not like it's hard. I suppose it's because I just get caught up in this game called life and forget.
*Blog More Often - YAY! One I met! I blogged twice as much last week as I had the week before. As dumb as this goal may sound, it's a goal because blogging helps me to stick to my goal. I hate failure in myself and the knowledge that you all will know if I fail keeps me going.

This Week's Goal:

* Lose 1 pound. Really, I want to lose everything I gained back, but I'm keeping my goals small so that I feel successful when I reach it and ecstatic if I surpass it.
* Journal, Journal, JOURNAL! It's out and ready to go, so...

Sugar Update:

When I made the goal to stay away from sweets on April 16th, I committed to staying away from sweets until June 25th. I have managed to stick to my goal, straying from it only for special occasions. I find that, for the most part, I don't miss the sugar and that I really can't handle it as much as I used to. That doesn't mean, however, that there is no temptation. I still feel their pull on tough days. I came awfully close to cheating last week with a bag of chocolate chips.

There they sat, calling my name - telling me that all will be better when I partook. I touched the bag and began to pull it out. Then, knowing that one indiscretion would set me back on the wrong course, I let go of the bag and shut the pantry.

I was proud of myself for not succumbing to temptation, but felt slightly deflated at the same time. I really wanted that chocolate. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Question of the Day:

What do you do to keep from giving into temptation? Does the need for sweets ever go away?

A Nerd's Look at Weight Loss

2010-04-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

We have all been told that muscle weighs more than fat, but what exactly does that mean? Curious after my last post, I set out on a mathematical mission to determine what exactly it means to my weight when I lose fat while gaining muscle. After a couple hours of research and some high school geometry with my engineer husband (who not only checked my math, but took it a step further), I think I've come to a basic understanding of the statement above - a statement that we all say, but few really know what it means. If you're interested, take a mathematical journey with me and see just what 4 inches and 10 lbs lost really means.

As we travel, keep in mind that these numbers are purely subjective. There are many variables, such as the gravitational pull of the moon and hormonal water retention, that render these calculations slightly inaccurate. If you're ok with that, buckle up 'cuz here we go...

In doing these calculations, I used my most recent measurements. On Thursday, my waist measured 46.5 inches, which I used as my circumference 2. Also, I know that I've lost at least 4 inches around my waist, so I will use 50.5 as my circumference 1 purely for the purpose of illustration.

Assuming my waist is a perfect circle, I found the radius of each circle by plugging the circumferences into the equation C = 2πr. Then I plugged the answers into the equation A = πr² to find the area of both circumferences and multiplied those answers by 4 to find the volume of a 4 inch tall section of my waist. Volume one, calculated from circumference one, was 812.4 cubic inches. Volume two, calculated from circumference two, was 688.4 cubic inches. This would mean that in that 4 inch tall section of my waist, I've lost 124 cubic inches of fat.

Continuing on, I looked for an accurate measurement of fat verses muscle. I wasn't able to find a good site that I could refer to for an accurate number, but the most common measurements I saw were as follows:

The density of fat is .9 grams per cubic centimeter. Converted into terms most Americans understand, that would be .0325 lb per cubic inch. Another way of looking at this would be that 1 pound of fat is approximately 31 cubic inches. Looking at the volume of fat that I've lost around my waist, this would mean that in that same 4 inch section I would have lost 4 pounds of fat. Now, my waist isn't perfectly round (thank goodness), so I would estimate that my fat loss in that particular area is more likely around 3 lbs of fat.

This doesn't factor into my calculations, but just for your information, the density of muscle is 1.06 grams per cubic centimeter. Converted, that would be .0383 lb per cubic inch or 1 pound of muscle is approximately 26 cubic inches.

As interesting as all this was, it didn't give me the information I wanted in terms of muscle gain verses fat loss. Not only is it impossible to decipher the amount of muscle I've gained in one area without professional help, but we figured that the waist most likely doesn't gain much muscle anyway. That being said, we looked at my body fat percentages.

On January 21st, my body fat percentage was approximately 46%. This would mean that at 155 lbs, I had 117.2 pounds of fat and 137.7 lbs of muscle and other.

Yesterday, my body fat percentage was 42.9%. This means that at 145 lbs, I was composed of 105.1 lbs fat and 139.9 lbs muscle and other.

Assuming these numbers are correct (I'm not sure I'm remembering the first percentage correctly) and nothing other than fat and muscle mass would change, that would mean that I've lost 12.2 lbs of fat and gained 2.2 lbs of muscle. That certainly coincides with the 10 lbs of weight that I've lost according to my scale.

Well, it looks as if we've reached the end of the journey. I hope you found it educational. (Actually, I hope it just made sense.) Anyway, now I can see why we may gain weight though we are losing fat. For those interested, my husband actually took it several steps further and composed his own equations to dispose of some of the steps, but I won't go into that now. Also, if you want to know in more detail how to do all this on your own, let me know.

So, what do you think? Does your brain hurt as much as mine did last night?

Noticed

2010-04-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

Though I have only been blogging a few weeks, January 21st marks my official life transformation start date. Excited and highly motivated, I was absolutely positive that my new method for trying to lose weight would help me lose at a faster rate than I had in the past. Formerly, I would only do some cardio for about 20 minutes and then watch what I ate. Now I'm doing at least 30 minutes of high intensity cardio and 30 minutes of kick-my-butt strength training. However, things have not gone exactly as I expected.

Imagine my bitter disappointment when I saw weight gain rather than loss. Mentally I knew that muscle mass weighed more than fat mass, but I had always lost rather quickly before and expected to do so again. However, my weight seemed to go up or stay stagnant before beginning to slowly make its way down to a 10 pound weight-loss. I took measurements a couple times, and that was a slightly more encouraging, but I forgot to take a before picture, leaving me nothing to physically compare myself with.

I won't lie. There were times that I was extremely discouraged. I did not appear to be making progress - at all. However, despite my disappointment I still held on to the hope that, as I was seeing myself everyday, others who saw me less often would take notice. Unfortunately, though, I watched as one, two, three months passed without a word from anyone I knew other than my husband. And, though he assured me that changes were being made, I didn't always believe him because he loves me enough to lie to me. Either that, or he may just not have wanted to get himself in trouble by telling me the truth.

I should have believed him, however, because on Tuesday my efforts were finally noticed. Though my total weight-loss may only have been 10 pounds, my fat-loss must have been more than I thought... and it feels great. So, thank you to my friend that noticed. One can see all the numbers change, but it doesn't really feel like you've made progress until someone notices.

Pain

2010-04-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

After two emotionally exhausting days, I woke up Friday morning refreshed, pumped and ready to run off the two previous not-so-great days. My plan? A new start. I was going to work my rear off as hard as I could to make up for the two days away from the gym. However, instead of feeling exhilarated, I ended up with leg cramps and side-splitting pain. My immediate thought was, Uh-oh. Not getting enough calcium.

Despite the pain, I did manage to finish my workout - even if it wasn't the best I'd ever gotten. My experience did make me think about my diet, however, and see what I could do to prevent future cramping. Pulling on my pregnancy experiences, I knew that I would get cramps when I wasn't getting enough calcium in my diet. What I found in my research, though, surprised me. There is actually a myriad of reasons why one may experience this highly unpleasant sensation. Here's what I found:

Definition of cramps:

Cramping is the sudden and involuntary contraction of one or more of your muscles. 95% of people will experience one in their lifetime. However, they are especially common in athletes during warm weather.

Causes:

* Overuse
* Dehydration
* Muscle strain
* Holding a position for too long
* Inadequate blood supply - This is caused by the narrowing of the arteries that deliver blood to the legs.
* Nerve compression in the spine
* Mineral depletion - Happens when one gets too little potassium, calcium or magnesium. This is especially common in pregnant women.
* Various health conditions - nerve, kidney, thyroid or hormone disorders, diabetes, hypoglycemia and anemia
* Injury - ie: a contracting muscle stabilizes a broken bone.

Treatment

* Cold or heat
* Stretching and massage

Prevention

* Make sure you're getting your minerals. Talk to your doctor about how much you should be getting.
* Replacement of lost electrolytes - sodium and potassium
* Stretching before and after exercise
* Staying well hydrated - The fluids help your muscles contract and relax

Pickle Juice

OK, this little tidbit is just for fun. I was walking with some friends last week and one - who happens to be pregnant - was complaining of re-occurring cramps. The other girl we were walking with recommended she drink pickle juice. Apparently many athletes drink it before they engage in physical activity to prevent cramping.

I have to admit that I thought the suggestion was not only disgusting, but a bogus folk remedy. However, I decided to keep an open mind and look into it - especially after my cramping on Friday. I was astounded to find out that athletes really do this. Apparently the acetic acid found in the juice helps the body make acetylcholine. Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter that stimulates the muscles to work. A deficiency in this particular neurotransmitter has been known to cause leg cramping.

For those interested in knowing more about leg cramping, here are the sites I visited for my research. There was far more information on these sites than I was able to share, including dumbed-down scientific explanations for the causes and prevention of cramps. The top sites also had more homeopathic ways for cramp prevention.

Health 911
Mayo Clinic
Medicine Net

Monday Morning Stats

2010-04-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last week was definitely a bit of a challenge to get through. My 9-month-old son came down croup, completely throwing my week for a loop. I missed two days of exercise - which I rarely ever do - making it quite difficult to stay on task with my goals and putting me in a more negative mood than normal. Luckily it's over. I had an awesome workout this morning and it's now the start of a new week with new goals and emotions.

So, here's a look at my goals for last week:

* Start writing in a food journal again - Yeah. Didn't do this one. Crazy week and forgetfulness were not on my side. Let's add this to this week's goals.
* Drink more water - I did so, so on this one. Had my good days and my bad. Better keep it on my list of goals as well.
* Take measurements - OK, I know I'm starting to sound like a loser, but I didn't do this one either. I was too depressed by the fact that I wasn't getting my workouts in. I honestly didn't think I was making any progress on my ultimate weight-loss goal at all, so why measure? I plan to do this on Thursday during my final session with my trainer.
* Lose 1 pound - DID IT! Despite less exercise, one horrible eating day and several days where I just felt like quitting, I made this goal! Actually, I surpassed it by losing 3.4 pounds. Today's weigh-in 245.2.

This week's goal:

* More water.
* Lose 1 pound.
* Start food journal again.
* Blog more often.

Downer

2010-04-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit of a rough week this week. I'm starting to realize how strongly tied my emotions are to my habit of exercise. Monday and Tuesday were great. I had awesome workouts and awesome days. Unfortunately, my baby boy came down with croup, bringing rough days and even rougher nights. It has completely thrown my exercise routine out the window along with my emotional high.

As I sit here listening to the poor guy wheeze, I know that I had no choice but to forgo the gym the last two mornings. My children are my highest priority and always will be. However, I find myself racked with unnecessary guilt for not finding a way to exercise and it's pulling me down - most likely made worse by the fact that I haven't had my daily dose of endorphins and that I'm exhausted.

If you've read my last post, you know that these are the kind of days that I would normally resort to sugar and chocolate to get me through and I feel their pull. As I walked through the store today to get my son's prescription, I had to remind myself that they don't help each and every time I passed some scrumptious tasting morsel. However, I am fighting the urge to splurge. I am. I just have to convince myself that it won't last forever, right? And, though I'm not exercising, all my hard work won't go to waste, right? Trying to continue to eat healthily still counts for something, right?

Hmm.... Maybe a nap will help. Night.

What Am I Missing?

2010-04-20T11:20:00.001-07:00

From the dawn of time families have gathered together to celebrate and enjoy one another's company. There doesn't need to be a reason - just a time to relax, laugh and play. Activities differ. Some families engage in high intensity activity while others prefer to spend their time more low key, watching a movie or playing games. However, there is one thing that seems to be a common thread in most gatherings: food - more specifically, sweets.

I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule. There are families that are more aware and health conscious. However, let's face it, food brings people together causing far too many of us to believe that food is one of the ingredients to a good time - at least, that's what it did for me.

When I look back on my relationship with food, I shudder at what my attitude was. Years of making food the center of social gatherings conditioned me to associate food with happiness and good times. Eventually I began falling back on food, especially sweets, for comfort. It didn't matter what it was - though my preference was chocolate - sweets are what I turned to for relief from stress, depression, exhaustion, anxiety or anger.

My addiction building, I grazed on sweets throughout the day, basking in the "happiness" they brought me. However, like all addictions, sweets got their hold on me and I found myself no longer enjoying the them, but unable to put them down either. It was at that point that I knew that I had to give them up almost completely for a large amount of time in order to remove the crutch that sweets had become in my life.

I agonized over my decision to remove myself from the world of sweets for approximately a day and a half, wondering if abstaining for 2 1/2 months was a reasonable goal. Could I make it that long? Did I want to? Finally one question threw the balance: What am I be missing?

What am I missing by not eating that cookie in front of me? Has anything changed since I ate the cake? Am I any different now than before I partook of that candy? Will this pie make this family gathering better? Am I happier, smarter, or more full of life? The answer was easy - No.

One simple question changed my attitude in an instant. I realized that the happiness and fun wasn't in the food. Nothing changed inside me if I ate something that tasted good. I wasn't any happier. In fact, I often felt incredible guilt after every indulgence. No, the fun is in being with family and friends. The happiness is inside myself. The only thing I was missing by not eating sweets was a high caloric intake.

Once the realization hit that I wasn't missing anything, I gave up sweets immediately. I'm not going to pretend that I'm perfect. I still feel sugar's hefty pull and I have slipped once or twice. However, there is marked improvement as each time I face temptation I ask myself, "What am I missing?"

Monday Morning Stats

2010-04-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

OK, OK. So, it's not Monday MORNING, but I had fully intended on writing this earlier this morning, so it gets the same title. Actually I plan on writing a post with this same title every Monday morning, so it's also an attempt at uniformity.

Anyway, Monday mornings are my weigh-in days, so I thought it would be a perfect day to just write down how the previous week went - setbacks, successes, measurements, etc. This way I can look back on how far I've come and what I need to work on. That being said, here's my very first Monday Morning Stat:

* Started keeping track of my food last week. However, I only made it through four days of it. Will start again tomorrow.
* Ate well for the most part. No desserts, aside from a couple cookies at the home of some friends (special occasion). Did have one really fatty meal however.
* Started walking with a friend to get a little more exercise into my day in addition to the gym.
* Upped my weights for my single handed bicep curls to 17.5 pounds per arm.
* FINALLY met my weight-loss goal that I have been working on since the middle of January and am well on my way to meeting my next one, which is to be under 240 lbs!
* Today's weigh-in was 248.6. (That's approximately 3-4 pounds since I started this blog!)

This weeks Goals:

* Get back into the habit of writing in my food journal.
* Take actual measurements to compare with previous measurements.
* Lose 1 pound.
* Drink more water.

Wish me luck!

Perseverence and Self Doubt

2010-04-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

Last night my family and I had dinner at the home of some friends. We had a wonderful time with good friends and delicious food - food that was healthy (well, except for the cookies, but we deemed it a special occasion). Anyway, while there the discussion turned towards psychology. The man of the house loved psychology and was interested in the color code. (If you are unfamiliar with the color code and want to know more, check it out here.)

Now, I don't put a lot of stock in the color code analysis. I believe that our personalities are far too complex to fit within the confines of four categories. However, I've always thought personality tests were fun, so I allowed him to try and pinpoint my color. After a few questions he determined that I'm a white - the peace keeper.

I was surprised to see that most of the characteristics of a white personality did seem to fit my description. However, I vehemently rejected the notion that whites dream big, but never finish what they start. I declared that I fully intended to finish the novel I've started writing and send it off to a publisher.

At the time, it was all fun and games. We all got a good chuckle and moved on. However, it got me thinking this morning. Do I finish what I start? Sure, I've got the closet full of unfinished crafts like so many other women, but that's due to lack of time. It doesn't count right? Trying to prove the color code wrong, my mind ran over the course of my life.

What I saw surprised me a little. I am a dreamer. I want more than anything to leave my stamp on life - just a little something that says I was here once I die. However, I have yet to accomplish that and have little chance of ever doing so if I continue to follow the pattern I have set. Unfortunately, my little bout of introspection did show that I never finished quite a few of the major goals I set for myself.

Accepting this, I posed another question for myself: Why? Why was I never able to see success?
It didn't take long for me to see the answer. It was quite simple. My biggest adversary was self doubt.

I could see my pattern everywhere. As a vocal performance major my freshman year of college I quit because I heard those who were years ahead of me sing and thought I wasn't good enough. I do fully intend to finish my book because I'm curious as to how well it comes out, but doubt remains as to whether I will actually ever send it into a publisher for fear of rejection - or worse, being published and then ridiculed over my writing style. I have even contemplated ending my experiment with this blog several times as I can't help but wonder whether I could possibly have anything to say that would be of interest to the world. After all, why would anyone be interested in a nobody like myself?

Is it any surprise, then, that my insecurities have handicapped me enough to make me unable to continue with a healthy lifestyle? With every setback I find that instead of shaking it off and moving forward, I tell myself that I can't do it so why even try. You can only have those thoughts so often before you start to believe them and give up.

Having said that, let me assure you that this is not my farewell speech. I fully intend to continue on my journey despite any setbacks I have faced - imagined or otherwise. What is more, I intend to persevere with my blog whether I think people are interested or not. I admit that insecure thoughts have crept into my head numerous times since I have started changing my habits, but I am trying to fight them off with everything I have in me, despite the fact that I'm not seeing my progress come as quickly as I'd like. Luckily, my little triumphs give me enough of a boost to keep me going - at least for now.

This leads me to a question. Most of us have insecurities of some sort or another. For some they are crippling. For others, a minor annoyance. What do you do to fight off these insecurities? How can you get past the feeling of not being good enough and persevere to the end?

Phenomenon

2010-04-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

This morning's workout started out more difficult than normal. My muscles were exceptionally tired from a very vigorous workout yesterday. As I started my cardio on the elliptical this morning, I noticed I was having more trouble than normal getting up to speed. I pushed as hard as I could, but still there was little improvement.

Once I raised my intensity for my second interval, I closed my eyes and found a place inside my head, forgetting all that was around except for the beat of the music with which I was trying to keep pace. I noticed that within a few minutes I was where I normally was, but still struggling. Finally, about 12 minutes into my workout, I felt a wave of energy wash over me, starting at my core and spreading outward into my limbs and head. Then, I was flying.

So, instead of sharing something about myself today, I'm asking for something from you. There must be an explanation for this phenomenon. Is this the "second wind" that people speak of? Does this sudden rush of energy have a name? There has to be a scientific explanation right? Does it have an added effect on the body and emotions?

Here's the deal. You let me know what you know in a comment, then I will research what you tell me and write a more informative post on the subject, highlighting your answers and any additional information I can find. I am honestly curious.

Thanks for your input in advance.

-Rebecca

Motto of Faith

2010-04-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

Though over half a year ago, I can still remember clearly the moment that I realized I had an eating problem. I always knew that I didn't eat healthily, but didn't even realize how bad I'd gotten.

I was experiencing a particularly rough day - I don't remember the exact circumstances, but it probably had something to do with normal family life. My gut reaction on any other day such as this would have been to go directly to the kitchen and search for something - anything - to make it better.

This was unlike any normal day, however, as I had recently set a goal to eat nutritious meals and snacks, only partaking in dessert once a week. I labored all morning to resist the store of sweets that pervaded my kitchen at the time. I was surprised at how strong their call was and how hard it was to fight off the insurmountable temptation I was feeling. I literally could not concentrate on anything aside from the upper that my pantry could supply. Under such pressure there was little doubt I would crack. I told myself, "Just one won't hurt. I can stop at one," knowing full well that once I gave in it would make it far easier to give in again.

There I stood eating yet another addictive and health destroying substance made of sugar, simple carbohydrates and fat. As I chewed I waited for the release of stress and frustration that inevitably comes from eating such a morsel, but it didn't come. In fact, I was less happy than I had been before I partook. I was angry at myself for giving in and realized I wasn't even really enjoying it. Yet, though the feeling of elation that I was accustomed to feeling when eating a treat evaded me, I was unable to stop eating - perhaps in the hope that it would eventually solve my problems or perhaps out of shear habit. I really don't know.

I had a problem. A problem that I didn't know if I could handle on my own without seeking help somewhere. I looked into Overeaters Anonymous and found a group through my church that I fully intended to attend, but life got away from me and months passed without me making it to any of the meetings I had planned on attending.

Sometime during all of this, my family and I started memorizing scriptures from the Book of Mormon and one of those was Ether 12:27. It reads:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

At some point I realized that this was my answer. I had to put my faith in Christ. He was the one that could help me overcome my weakness. Since then I have continued to pray daily for his help and the strength to abstain from those sweet temptations that come my way. It's not always easy and I'm far from perfect, but I have seen slow, steady progress.

This is why the motto of my blog reads an admonition of the Lord to his people. No matter the weakness, He will not let us down. He will be our strength and our light in the storm. We have only to have faith and put our trust in him.

An Epiphany

2010-04-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I was planning on writing about something else today, but, instead, found myself wanting to share some thoughts that I had this morning while on the elliptical. It's something we all probably know, but it was nice to have a little reminder every once in a while.

Monday mornings are tough for me. My muscles are tired after a weekend without workouts. As such, I find that pushing myself through a Monday morning workout when I am unable to keep up with what I was doing the Friday before can be difficult. A novice to the gym, I found that when I first started working out it took shear willpower not to walk out the front doors and say, "I'll come back tomorrow when I'm not so tired." Now I know it's just the beginning of the week and I need to just make it through this one workout and the following day will be better.

It was in this frame of mind that I looked up from my elliptical machine and glanced over to the treadmills. There, running together, was a couple I know from church. Being the marathon runners they are, I marveled at how long they were able to run at the speeds they run at. Their stamina astounded me, but I didn't feel any jealousy for their fit state - they'd worked hard to be where they are. However, I found myself watching in awe and wondering if I would ever be able to run at those same speeds despite my bad knee and how far I have let my health slip.

Then I looked over to a woman a couple ellipticals away from me. She looked to be just as fit as the couple on the treadmills, but was going at a much slower pace than even I was. Her intensity level must have been set quite high as her strides looked to be quite labored.

While observing the contrast in exercise styles, I felt sure that both were working equally as hard and, though they were working at different speeds, both were seeing results. It was then that I realized that it's not about how fast you go, but how hard you work.

If this is true for one workout, wouldn't it also be true for my entire weight loss journey or life, for that matter? I work my tail off Monday through Friday and feel like I am getting no where. On occasion I've worked out so hard that I have to sit when I'm done and do some deep breathing for 15-20 minutes to keep me from losing my dinner from the night before. However, I've only lost a few pounds and am not reaching any of my goals as quickly as I'd like. Does that mean that what I'm doing counts for naught? I don't think that it does.

Despite my lack of big triumphs, I see little triumphs here and there. I have more energy and I can tell I'm getting stronger as I up my weights and reach higher intensity levels. The knee that I injured 8 years ago while jogging can now handle short sprints on the treadmill and I can walk up the stairs without knee pain and becoming short of breath. Perhaps I shouldn't be discounting small triumphs because I'm not progressing at the speed I think I should be progressing.

Too often in life we perceive people doing things faster than we are able to do them and think that we aren't as good as they because we can't keep up. Perhaps we need to stop focusing on keeping up and focus more on how hard we work. I may not be seeing success physically as quickly as I'd like, but I have no doubt that if I continue to work hard I will eventually see the success I'm seeking.

Decision - Part 2

2010-04-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have no idea as to what possessed me to actually start this blog, but start it I did and now that I've shared highly personal (at least highly personal to me) information with the world, I suppose I had better finish what I started.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have started and restarted diet/exercise regimens many times. I seem to be always saying that I'm going to "be good" only to be good for a week or two and revert back to my old habits. No matter what the results are on the scale, I always seem to fail for one reason or another. However, you're only a failure if you give up, right?

My journey this time around actually started in mid-January. I happen to be blessed with two of the most loving, generous parents on the planet who saw my desire for change and helped me out by giving me a membership to the local gym for my birthday present - complete with 6 personal training sessions. Anxious to see some results, I started training just two days later. (It was the earliest time I could get with a trainer and I was nervous to start going without knowing exactly what I was doing.)

In all honesty, nothing could have been better to get me started on a different path. I have always loved going to the gym. When I'm there, I beat myself to a pulp as I try to do things that I don't necessarily think I can. I love the feeling of being strong - of feeling my muscles work to accomplish things that others can't do. And, as vain as all this sounds, I love seeing the results of my hard work as my muscles take shape. (Just so you know, this doesn't stem so much from vanity, but from being highly competitive by nature.)

Unfortunately, though you would think that my love of the gym would mean I would have it made - that I will have no problem with my journey, it doesn't. Despite how much I love it once I'm there, I struggle every day to get out of bed at 5:30 in the morning in order to be there by six for my 1 hour and 10 minutes of exercise. The fact that it is now a habit has only slightly lessened my fear of reverting back into sleeping until 7:00 am and bypassing the gym as I know that giving in just once to the desire to skip "just one day" will ultimately become my doom.

Also, there is also the feeling that what I'm doing is doing no good. My husband tells me that I'm an inspiration - that my constant dedication to working out inspires him to be better. Truth is, however, that I don't feel like an inspiration. There are days when all I feel like is a failure. You see, despite my constant attendance at the gym, I have seen very little improvement on the scale or otherwise. In my nearly 3 months of hard work and exercise I have lost MAYBE 3 pounds and I haven't even dropped a complete size yet (stupid belly fat!).

Now, I know that a cubic inch of muscle weighs more than a cubic inch of fat. I also know that I need to take my measurements to make a true judgment of my success - and I have to some extent, but I also know that some of my lack of improvement is my own fault. Yes, I work just as hard as anyone at the gym, and harder than some, but my choices as to what I put in my mouth aren't always the best. I have a huge sweet tooth and quite often the decision to go with the ease of the junk outweighs the decision to take a little more time and partake in a healthy option. Despite my best intentions of making healthier decisions, a little of something bad here and a little of something bad there adds up at the end of the day to show one really bad eating spree.

This brings me to the second part of the decision in my title. I have a cousin getting married in June and I plan to attend her wedding. I expect to see all my family and possibly family friends that I haven't seen in years. Now, I know that no one is going to give a hoot what I look like. It's not my day, after all. However, I care what I look like and I don't want to continue to look like there is no improvement. Also, it just gives me a goal date.

What's the goal, you ask? I don't really have a "weight-loss" goal. What I have is a behavioral change goal. Last Friday I made the decision to not eat any desserts, and as little sugar as possible, for the 11 weeks leading up to my cousin's wedding - except for special occasions, such as birthdays, weddings, etc. I've tried this experiment several times, and it always helps, but I have never tried it for quite so long before. Also, I plan to start keeping track of everything I put into my mouth on a notepad starting tomorrow in hopes that it will show me exactly how I eat and dissuade me from eating things I ought not to eat. Knowing my disposition, I'm not going to want to write down anything I've slipped on and leave proof that I've eaten poorly.

My hope in doing this is not only that it will keep me from eating poorly, but that I will hopefully actually see some weight loss. I don't know if it will actually work or not. Call it an experiment, if you will. If my lack of weight loss is that I'm gaining too much muscle to see the results on the scale, then I don't know that I will see much of a difference. If it is because I am actually eating worse than I think I am during the day, then there should be a big improvement. I'll keep you updated.

Decision - Part I

2010-04-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have toyed with the idea of this blog for quite a while. To tell you the truth, the idea of starting a blog like this scares me to death. I hope that I can say that I am always an honest person, but a blog such as this requires an openness and honesty that I don't usually exude with anyone, except, perhaps, those with whom I am closest - and even then I don't go into any explicit detail on how much I struggle.

So, why am I starting this blog? I don't know. I think the idea stemmed from an idea my husband had to share what I learn with my family. So this is me sharing. Perhaps the idea was to help me. Perhaps it's to help my family. Perhaps there's really no reason at all, but the decision has been made and so I write, feeling vulnerable - hoping that I will be able to see not only my weaknesses, but also how those weaknesses become my strengths.

As with all introductions, I suppose I should start with a little about myself. My name is Rebecca. I am 31 years old, married to a wonderful man and have a houseful of beautiful children. I think it safe to say that I am quite happy in my own little world, surrounded by my family and friends. Sure, we have our struggles just like anyone, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why, then, am I talking about weakness, struggles and vulnerability? Well, that's because one of my biggest struggles is within myself, though one only has to look at me to see what that struggle might be. You see, I have trouble making healthy decisions. In truth, I have never been good at making healthy decisions and it has led me to being grossly overweight. Not only that, but my ability to choose to make healthy decisions has diminished as bad habits have created food addictions not easily broken.

As things stand now, I weigh approximately 252 pounds, and it is not the highest number I've seen. Like many in my predicament, I looked healthy as a teen - the results of my actions not catching up with me until after I started having children. I have tried to change many times, only to see the scale rise and fall numerous times and never finishing what I start. ... All that changes now.

I have made a decision and that decision is to make my weakness a strength and chronicle my journey. I do not plan on making this a lament on what my struggle is, but, instead, focus on sharing what I struggle with, how I'm changing, my triumphs along with my setbacks and what I learn as I take my journey. I am under no misapprehension that it will be easy. I know from past experience that it will be extremely difficult and that I will have to dig deep within myself to find the strength to change.

I hope as you read this that you will be able to relate to what I post, learn from what I've learned and share what you know. After all, I am still learning as well. I only ask that you remain respectful in any comments you might make. If you have never struggled with weight and eating problems, understand that struggles with weight are real and changes are easier said than done. It's not like flipping a light switch on. Nothing changes in an instant. Please do not down play anyone's emotions.